From The Desk Of Bob Hill/Non De Plume: I Love You, Delco, But You’re Bringing Me Down

For 15 years, Delaware County has gone out of its way to make me feel unwelcome, to the extent that I now hold it in the very same contempt it has long held me.

I mean, the whole thing runs so much deeper than that, really. And I could very easily defend my decision a thousand fold, if need be … I could bring up the fact that during my time growing up in Delco, while the official crime stats insisted all was well on paper, at least half a dozen boys, including myself, were victims of sexual abuse at the hands of a school administrator. I could bring up the fact that for more than a decade, we also suffered constant verbal abuse from an alcoholic pastor who no one saw fit to remove. I could bring up the fact that hundreds of people in the community – including myself – were completely aware of both of these things and elected to do nothing.

I could bring up the fact that there were countless other atrocities – stories that aren’t even mine to tell, really – that should’ve been addressed one hundred times or more, but simply went unchecked. Why? I’ll tell you why: Because if there’s one thing that scares the living hell out of people in Delaware County, it’s the threat of ANYTHING that might upset the natural order, or lend credence to the notion that Delco isn’t 100% the milk-white suburbanite community it makes itself out to be.

Our earliest readers (it blows our mind that you still come here, how can we thank you? can we go out for a beer soon?) may remember Bob Hill as Non De Plume, who famously penned a missive to Philebrity that became one of the best Capitol Years songs ever written. (Sorry, Bob, you will never live this down. And why should you?) Anyway, it turns out that Bob is a helluva writer, and in this piece, he describes the thorny business that is Delco, as well as how he wound up getting arrested after attending the Philebrity Awards this December. It’s definitely worth a look if you have any interest in any of the things just mentioned.

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Noontime Nuggetz: Thom Lessner And Ted Passon Present… THE DARKNESS!

This one’s hot off the presses: Philly directors/artists/truly nice people Ted Passon and Thom Lessner somehow wound up directing this new video for UK band The Darkness, who are in the midst of a rock’n’ roll comeback that, more than anything else, serves to remind us that life is long and hilarious and beautiful. The Darkness play on Feb. 7 at the Troc (and constantly, in my head). Congrats, boys!

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Inky And Daily News Sports Desks To Merge Into One

First, the Philadelphia Media Network is up on the market, and now the 700 Level is reporting that the Inquirer and Daily News sports staffs have been informed they will now be working together rather than against each other. So with this, we now move the PMN’s Doomsday clock to 3 minutes to midnight.

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National Beat: Women Of America, We Are So So Sorry

Like many of you, we read this story yesterday about Susan G. Komen For The Cure bowing to political pressure and removing its endowments from Planned Parenthood (for breast cancer screenings! not abortions!), and could hardly believe it. And we don’t think it’s a stretch to assume that, somewhere along the way, the decision had a lot more to do with the actions of men than oh, say, women. It just feels so out of whack. And the culture that created this — somehow, someway — has got to change. But just how do you do that in an age when the likes of Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann — very likely the most two recognizable female political figures in the nation today — never stop acting like they have dicks?

Of course this is the wrong approach. And of course it makes us feel, today, like American women are slowly being stripped of the power that previous generations (of both women and more or less enlightened men) worked so hard to gain. That’s probably hyperbole. Maybe. But the feeling is real. Ladies of America — all of you — we’re sorry for whatever loss comes from this one single thing that feels like the result of so many awful shitty things that seem like they’re the product of one huge, terrible thing. If there is anything we can do for you, please let us know.

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Drexel LSD Suspect Is Son Of Anti-War Activist Celeste Zappala

Trippy.

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Christ On A Motherfucking Cracker, We Can’t Believe We Have To Write Posts About The Fucking Wing Bowl Again

We brought it on ourselves, you know.

You know, you could say — and you’d be right — that every publication or media source in the world is, at its core, aspirational. What do we mean by this? Well, let’s put it this way: PhillyMag wants you to be a foodie MILF who’s in the market for an expensive pre-K and a new set of tits. PhillyStyle (still exists, yo!) wants you to be orange and/or a liquor rep who can somehow justify an ad spend there. The Inquirer and the Daily News don’t know what the fuck they want you to be, they just desperately want you to not be gone at this point. And Philebrity, well, Philebrity just wants the Wing Bowl to never, ever happen again.

But we live with the knowledge that even wishing this is a fool’s errand. You know why? No matter what the circumstance — flood, pestilence, salmonella, a new release of Call Of Duty on the same day — that could ever prevent the Wing Bowl from occurring even once would only make Wing Bowl stronger. Because this is how evil the fucking Wing Bowl is: They’d be back the very next year with Wing Bowl 2013: A Tribute To Heroes. What heroes, you ask? It wouldn’t matter. Whatever it was, they’d turn that shit into 9/11 for fat WIP listeners with Flyers tattoos. You’d get that queasy George Bush feeling all over again, and worse still, it’d be bigger than ever. There’d be a Wing Bowl reality show all year long on CSN, leading up to the big event. To make it more family friendly, they’d give equal time to both the strippers and the cast of Toddlers & Tiaras. And routine parking lot stompings would be looked at by one and all as collateral damage that we, as a city (to say nothing of you suburban savages who, frankly, are the main feeders of this entire fucked enterprise), would be okay with absorbing. Because this one’s for the heroes! We’d all go on like this for decades until it turned out that something even more savage and grotesque than Wing Bowl itself was happening behind the scenes at Wing Bowl. And then we’d riot — not at the crime, but at the revelation of the crime. It’d be the fucking Mummers on steroids. Like, even more than it already is.

You may believe we’re overreacting. You may find our innermost feelings about the Wing Bowl — a Dante’s inferno where gluttony, rape fantasy, ignorant proles and sports talk radio are never far from one another, with lots more in the shitsteamer besides — to be the projections of those who just can’t believe the city and the people they love go in for this, year after year. For an event that is an updated Roman bread and circus, propagated by Middle Aged Rich White Men so they can see you behave like the animals they’ve always believed you are. But here is the thing that we simply cannot get over: As a city, there is so much that we have to be proud of. It’s baffling. You don’t even have to go looking for things around here to amaze you, or inspire you. We can say with our hearts and our eyes open that we will spend the rest of our lives learning about them. And yet, time and again, Philadelphia wants to hang its hat on, draw its identity from, things like this: Some asshole putting a piece of beef on a roll (and then some other asshole arguing with him for decades that he was the first to do it), or a bunch of other assholes marching around the city in blackface until it’s a tradition. That, too, is baffling, and not in the good way.

Still, you may think that we’re taking it all too seriously. You may think that we, too, could use a beer at 7AM, and the easy camaraderie of Mook Nation, Del-Val Chapter, on what must be, what has to be, their favorite day of the year.

Well, to you, we say: You’re probably right. But we’re right about all of this other shit, too. So fuck you. Fuck your fucking Wing Bowl. And we’ll see you in hell.

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Bevilaqua Dead At 88

… the same week he was declared fit to be a witness in the Archdiocese child rape cases. As lifelong lapsed Catholics, you can bet we’re gonna have some feelings about this. We’ll have more up on it later today.

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Tell The Truth: You Had No Idea That LSD Was Even Manufactured Anymore

And yet, the fuzz just busted what is said to be “a million-dollar LSD ring that was operating on [Drexel] University’s campus.” After we make the joke that apparently not one red dime of that million was spent on, well, anything you can buy at CVS, let’s get to the real talk: A million dollars in LSD? C’mon now. As if. We’d also be remiss if we didn’t mention our first reaction to this story was, “See? Those Drexel kids have real initiative, they really know how to work for things. They really have always made the best interns around here.” Also also, somebody better get Wesley Crawford over there to the Bad Trip Tent, homey don’t look right.

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This Evening: Synthesizers And Good Old Fashioned Punk Rock

Either do the above, or go see one of our very favorite new (Black Flag-inspired, punk as fuck) bands in the city, the inimitable Dong Johnson.

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Right Now in The People’s Repubic Of Comcast: Fighting Back With Statistics

David L. Cohen, Comcast’s Executive Vice President, spoke today about the controversial “Internet Essentials” program. After complaints and protests where people demanded to see statistics, Cohen laid out nearly every statistic he could think of, the most important being: “[Internet Essentials] connected over 41,000 families (an estimated 160,000 Americans) to the power of the Internet in their homes, some for the very first time; and distributed over 5,500 computers at less than $150 each.” Here are some more:

>>>The IE program received 91,000 applications and 94% of applicants were approved
>>>81% of people who received an application but did not return it said they still intended to
>>>86% of customers ssaid they were “highly satisfied,” while 99% said they would recommend the program to others

To counter the argument that they did little to publicize the program, Cohen said they ran 7,000 PSAs (around 7 times the size of a typical service launch for Comcast) but they still intend to do more outreach in schools and communities. In addition, if someone received an application and didn’t resend it in 3 weeks, they were mailed a new one. Cohen also laid out some plans for the program in 2012:

>>>The program will expand to include students who qualify for not only free lunch but reduced cost lunch in the 2nd quarter of 2012
>>>The download speed of the program’s offerings will double to 3Mbps
>>>Comcast will work to expand the “digital literacy” so those who do not think they need the program are able to understand what they are missing before they can decide

And while, yes, the program was ordered by the FCC as part of the acquisition of NBC/Universal, Cohen said Internet essentials was their plan for 2 years, before anyone heard about that whole NBC/Universal thing. So there you have it. Comcast responded to nearly all of the protest’s demands without ever directly addressing the protest itself. You know, Comcast being the bigger multi-billion dollar corporation and all.

You can read more of Comcast’s statement here.

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Bicycle Coalition To Take South Philly Street Redesign Concept Public This Week

Tomorrow night at 16th and Jackson Streets, the Bicycle Coalition of Philadelphia will reveal the first piece in their new “Safe Streets For Healthy Neighborhoods” initiative. Together with a team of urban planners, BCP is out to “suggest infrastructure changes to make South Philly streets safer and more appealing to pedestrians, bicyclists, and public transit users, while preserving vehicular traffic flow.” In short, they’d like to help the city grid make a little more sense, and they’ve bravely chosen South Philly — a rapidly changing part of town where, a few years ago, nary even a tree did grow on most streets — as their patient zero. “We picked South Philly as our first focus because of its existing high rates of bicycling, and because there isn’t much bicycling infrastructure,” said Sarah Clark Stuart, Campaign Director for the Bicycle Coalition. “The City’s bike plan calls for north-south corridors through South Philly, but they aren’t in place yet, so this project can provide some of that initial legwork.”

After soliciting info from residents in the fall and securing a partnership with Community Design Collaborative (CDC), who awarded BCP a grant to fund the design work, all concerned are ready to go public with a series of designs and corridor suggestions tomorrow night (Feb.1), from 6:00 – 8:00 PM at Guerin Recreation Center, 1600 Jackson Street, with a big question in mind: Will the people of South Philly go for it?

[Image courtesy: Brown and Keener Urban Design for the Bicycle Coalition of Greater Philadelphia through the Community Design Collaborative]

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Readers Cameraphone: Dear Philebrity, Why On Earth Would Someone Be Wearing A Sean Agnew T-Shirt?

Dear Philebrity,
You’re the only person I could to with this question, because I’m just so out of touch that I can’t even understand this: I’m in Rittenhouse Square right now, sitting across from a bunch of kids on fixies, and I swear to God, one of them has a Sean Agnew t-shirt on. Do you know what could possibly be the reason for this?

We could think of literally one hundred reasons, but the real takeaway here is that somewhere, the kid who did the SeanSpotter blog is feeling like maybe he got in the game a few years too soon.

Seeing something around town of note? Cameraphone it to: tips[at]philebrity[dot]com.

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Opposing Israel Events Coming To Penn This Week

This week at Penn, one of the world’s oldest issues is coming to the forefront. According to The Metro, “PennBDS, an official university student group, is hosting the 2012 National Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions event against the State of Israel Conference this weekend.” In response, the Philadelphia Jewish Federation is sponsoring “We Are One with Israel” on Thursday at Annenberg Center (3680 Walnut Street).

Speakers at the BDS conference include, “the co-founder of the Electronic Intifada, Ali Abunimah, the Jewish anti-Zionist editor of Mondoweiss, Phil Weiss, and Dr. Sarah Schulman from the Advisory Board of Jewish Voice for Peace,” while “We Are One with Israel” boasts Alan “The Dersh” Dershowitz.

One of the core organizers of the BDS event told the Metro, “With Israel receiving $3 billion in foreign aid from the United States, they must be held accountable for their deplorable treatment of the Palestinians and their obvious violations of international law for building the settlements and the wall.” Meanwhile, the Dersh said, “If they really care about human rights, why aren’t they boycotting Syria, Iran, China, Tibet and parts of Africa?”

You know, this is really an issue that we don’t think about much, and it obviously has its roots way before we were around. But if these Penn kids are as smart as they’re supposed to be, why not bring both sides (and events) together to have a thoughtful, informed, discussion about it? That would certainly be bigger and better.

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What Would You Have Said In 2005 If We Told You That Conan O’Brien Would Be Streaming The New Dr. Dog Album?

You would have said, “What?” But today, we say, “No, really!” Be The Void comes out next Tuesday.

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Noontime Nuggetz: Adam Arcuragi and The Lupine Chorale Society, “Presidents’ Song”

New album from the Philly expat dropping any second now.

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That Point Breeze Zoning Meaning Went About As Well As You Could Expect

Here is some super-spy footage of the Point Breeze zoning meeting we mentioned yesterday. The video above shows some of the end of the meeting, when (in the last minute and a half of the video) a woman gets up to make her point about the proposed development and construction. Her issue? The boys in the neighborhood (and the “first time offenders”) can’t get jobs, but the Mexicans can. Sadly, the video cuts off just as she says, “Speaking of the schools…” That was probably going somewhere good.

According to the video uploader, “The racial composition in the room was close to 50/50 white/black and some Asian representation as well in the audience, quite a diverse mix.” He also summed up the ending of the meeting by saying:

At the end of this zoning meeting, Tiffany Green, the main anti-gentrification activist, she stole the voting sheets. Additionally, the meeting was terminated after the first proposal which was over 50 minutes. The other 7 zoning items on the agenda never got dealt with, so now I guess South Philly H.O.M.E.S. which is running this zoning hearing will have to have yet another zoning meeting again to discuss the other zoning proposals.

See? Just as expected.

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Allen Iverson Forced To Give Nearly $900k To Jewelry Company

In a year where the Sixers are experiencing a bit of a resurgence, things aren’t looking great for one-time face of the franchise Allen Iverson. Iverson has in recent years fallen on Lenny Dykstra-esque hard times: he returned to the Sixers, then left for Turkey, then had some problems with the law, and now, he’s losing a lot of money.

According to The Sporting News, “A Georgia judge commandeered the bank account of … Iverson in order to pay out a substantial debt for an unpaid jewelry bill in a summary judgement.” Iverson was originally sued in 2010 for failing to pay Aydin and Company Jewelers a $375,000 bill. Over two years, that total ballooned up with legal fees, court costs, interest, etc. until the judge finally allowed the company access to Iverson’s Wells Fargo bank account to obtain $859,896.46.

With this news we have to ask, who will be the next former Philadelphia athlete to fall into serious legal/financial trouble? Is it you Pat Burrell?

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Milton Street’s Campaign Is Already All We Could Have Hoped For

First, Milton was running for the PA House of “Represtatives” in the 195th District. However, due to a discarded redistricting plan, Street announced he will now be running in the 197th District, according to Newsworks.

In the 197th, Street would face off against Jewel Williams, daughter of Jewell Williams (yes, we noticed, but one thing at a time), the current Sheriff of Philadelphia. Street has already stepped up his game, claiming he and the sheriff already “had words on the street” and saying he was running agianst the younger Williams because, “This isn’t Cuba.”

While Milton makes some good points (this is, in fact, not Cuba), this is only going to get wackier as it goes along. And some of you will still vote for him.

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Dept. Of Meaningless Lists: We Are Young, We Are Old

Real Age claims to figure out what your “real age” is based off of health, diet, exercise, and background information. We took their test and we did not like the results we saw. But that is beside the point.

Real Age compiled a list of the 25 Best Cities for Staying Young (aka where Americans who take their poll have the healthiest “real age”), and the results for Philadelphia are … split. When it comes to the top 50 metro areas in the US, Philly ranks 17th for youngest, which sounds pretty good until you real this part:

Ironically, many folks living in the “City of Brotherly Love” experience high rates of anger and tend to be loners, which helps put the Philadelphia-Wilmington-Atlantic City area at number 17 on our youngest-and-oldest cities list.”

So we’re 17th youngest and 17th oldest? Does that mean we break even? Or does it mean nothing? (Spoiler alert: it means nothing) Still, at least this list was based on some kind of gathered statistics, unlike some lists.

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