…Anyway, long story short, I didn’t want to watch the dumbassed Eagles game, but I did anyway, for YOU. Don’t forget that.

After the jump, Michael Fichman gives and gives until he just can’t give anymore. Oh, and the Eagles season starts.

Michael Fichman reports: You remember how last week I threw a shit-fit about how alias Philly bloggers were repeatedly calling the Phils’ season “over?” Turns out my “I’m not a Philly fan, I just write about Philly sports” mentality has granted me a certain degree of level-headedness. The Phils sure as fuck ain’t dead, in [...]

This year, the Big Red Walrus is dealing with the turmoil and embarrassment of both of his sons being public fuckups, driving cars while blasted on horse and mixing their drugs with guns, respectively. I say he will. In fact, he’d probably rather be watching tape than dealing with the insanity at home.

After the [...]

Michael Fichman reports: I call bullshit. Cole Hamels hurts his elbow and is expected to miss at least two starts…. and the moans of “season over” begin to waft through the air.
This effectively means the Phils’ season has ended three times: Once for their pitiful start out of the gate, once for Ultey’s hand injury [...]

People talk about speaking with lizards and stuff. You can communicate with anyone, with nature, that’s all that happened there. To me, that’s not a big deal now. I like to astral travel, teleport, travel through time… December 24, 2012, by the way, that’s the number. As seven billion people, the world will rise to [...]

There is exciting baseball to be had in the coming six weeks. Now, each game starts to take on an obvious importance. For Phillies fans, I can think of nothing worse. Right now, every die-hard fan of the Fightins is turning over every possible doomsday scenario in his head. Guess what: One of them will [...]

Two weekends ago I went with my crew of Pittsburgh ex-pats to a Phillies-Pirates contest down at Citizens Bank Park. I rocked my 1979 Pirates pillbox cap and a Bucs jersey to the ballpark, yet not a single Phillies fan thought to yell an insult at me. What’s he gonna say? “Your team fucking sucks?” [...]

Philadelphia is notorious for having a rooting ethos which champions the sanctity of drunken, simian antagonism. It’s well known around the country and the world that Philadelphia sports fans are unrepentant pieces of shit who confront their own misery through alcoholism and Schadenfreude. So why on earth don’t we have a footba-erm, soccer team?

After the [...]

This week Fich brings the uncomfortable truth about Pat Burrell: Y’all kinda wanna be him.

But in a way, we do. Fich catches up with America’s next great hope (and England’s old one) David Beckham after the jump.

Every vote counts, people. Do your bit for history as Michael Fichman narrows the (astoundingly wide) playing field, after the jump.

Who is it? The answer will only surprise you if you’ve never had Crate & Barrel sex dreams about Chase Utley.

Welcome! We’ve got a new sports column for you! After the jump, Michael Fichman gets sporting on your ass.