In the newest in a popular series of Pennsylvania Lottery commercials to hit the airwaves, Gus (the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania) promotes a new heat-themed lottery game by entering a hot wing competition, prompting a highbrow joke about him “winging” the recipe. Disturbingly, Gus’s heartfelt advice/advertising slogan/post-hypnotic suggestion, “Keep on scratchin’,” has been [...]

After the jump, Miss Kelly White boldly goes where no partytrainsoldier would dare: Drinking at the neighborhood local with her sister.

The sidewalks were slicked with spilt wooder ice. Happenings in Philadelphia were being dusted left and right. Insouciant paramours crept out-of-doors, where they met rain as it backed up, uncurled its lips, and clapped hands for them.

Sometimes, I can only give you numbers, like a trusty accountant. Or a Blackberry Bank of useful, unlimited phone connections. Allow me to brandish my neon yardstick and go through this with you…

And before I knew it, it was 2am. I know that Into the Wild is one of those films that you only watch as an in-flight movie and then never mention it or let it be known that you were touched by it, except during phone confessionals with Burger Boy. He does not have a [...]

So I was close to being stranded in another country with 3 euros to my name and 10 minutes left to check in before the final flight back to the States for the day, which if missed, would have me crashin’ at l’aeroport like Tom Hanks in Terminal. But just like Lupe, I go over [...]

After the jump, Kellz takes it back the old school.

Don’t act like shit never happened. Shit was all over the place, happening, and some of us stepped in it. A few learned that it’s impossible for anyone over the age of 7 to master a red Kool-Aid stain above their lips. But a handful of you did stand out. Let’s throw some D’s on [...]

By this point in December, you have three solid inches of candy cane stuck in your teeth that will not be removed. That’s two broken toothbrushes. That’s the freshest breath at the bar. Your hands will recall the scent of pine for the rest of the month, and every finger food that you transport will [...]

Would you like an order of truth from Diplo? Sighs! It is but small, though it will get us to the next course. “I didnt get beat up at Transit – it was at Electric Factory – but it was by security and I landed 1 good punch.” OK. As long as you got one. [...]

You can block out the beer-marinated flyers and bulletins if you want to, but there’s a party every night in December. Man up and pull through this with me. It is the final trial of our mettle, and I know you’re made of more than taurine and yellow no. 5…

It’s Talkin’ Shit research time. See how far you can get around Philly with an 8-ball. It depends on what kind of 8-ball you have, what kind of operating system you’re running on, and whether anyone really has any answers. They don’t, but they have blogs. And only as much cred as you give…

I was born, six-gun in my hand. Ohhhh yeah yeah. Don’t call it a wireless mouse. Tell it like it is…

Who’s that casting devious stares in your direction? It matters not if they are properly masked. Now go bag it, bag it up…

Baby, where’d you get your body from?

It’s Talkin’ Shit On Fiction Week, so wherever you are, put the book down. Even though we’re all touched by a tabloid or charmed by a tall tale, and some of us draw inspiration from child lit, we’re fortunate enough to live in a city that writes itself…

You want to be king of the wild things. Max, Jonah, you over there in the wolf suit, or its 2007 equivalent, the glow stick tee. As the forest grows, know nonchalance. The wild rumpus is at your bedside. And every seemingly mythical creature you encounter will be quite easily tamed. As long as we’re [...]

With sulky badface, thighs made for mini-skirts, and tart putdowns that shoot from slick lips and piercing nails, GG’s can be first-class carriers of the trash-talking backstab gene. But after spending enough time amongst the boys, I conclude that they are indeed mightier at the shit-swapping game. Be still my heart, though…ain’t no bitch more [...]

I saw summer away proper, by shooting her in the bathing suit, until she was nothing more than a lost cause or a thoroughbred racehorse named Barbaro. Gone, but not forgotten. Grab a can of Fall Zero and pop that top…

Rats! Good grief. You know what little man would say. It’s really not that bad as long as you have a dog. You shouldn’t wear the same shirt every day unless it’s a really perfect shirt. Going bald early sometimes cannot be helped. And of course, Lucy Van Pelt is my hero. Grab those nuts [...]