Byko Will Not Shut Up Because Byko Does Not Need To Shut Up So You Shut Up Because Suck On This, Punk, Byko Just Outlived You All

bykoEHHHHRRRR, AH, HOY HOY, YOU SCUM-SUCKING, TOTE-BAG-TOKING, AL FRESCO FIXED GEAR NINNYS! FOR NOW IT CAN BE REVEALED: AS WE SPEAK, I, STUART “STU” “BYKO” BYKOFSKY, BORN OF STRONG EASTERN EUROPEAN STOCK INTO A WORLD YOU LITTLE QUEERS WOULD FIND COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE, I, ME, BYKO, MYSELF… I AM DANCING ON YOUR GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVES! Did you ever think in one million years that I would outlast Danny Gross?! That this young chubbling who learned at my knee the ways of the world would take a buyout before myself! HAH! I KNOW THAT YOU DID NOT THINK THAT! But I, me, Byko is like a legendary KARA-TAY MASTER! Master always saves some tricks for himself! HIYAAAAAH! WELCOME TO MY DOJO! For here is more news: I HAVE A BLOG NOW! HIYAH! MOST HONORABLE! We call it the Stuniversity because it is where I school you little Mumford & Sons pantywaists! You may be wondering how I know what a blog is! You may be wondering how I know what a Mumford & Son is! DO YOU NOT BELIEVE THAT I, ME, BYKO KNOWS ALL? DO YOU NOT BELIEVE THAT I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL I HATH MADE A PUBLIC GALLOWS OUT OF A MELTED DOWN FIXIE FRAME? DO YOU NOT BELIEVE THAT LONG AFTER THIS PAPER HAS BEEN SOLD FIVE MORE TIMES AND OUR OFFICES HAVE BEEN TURNED INTO A QUIZNO’S THAT I WILL STILL BE HERE BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS HERE?

Be still, my sweet child, and be still, my dogs of war. For the master is always a student, and we all, all of us, each and every one, still have so much to learn. Welcome to my dojo.

Previously:
Byko Will Not Shut Up About His Completely Hypocritical And Insincere Feelings About Human Trafficking
Byko Will Not Shut Up About His Ambivalent Feelings Regarding Sex Tourism In Thailand
Byko Will Also Not Shut Up About The Fucking Facebook
Byko Will Not Shut Up About The Fucking Bike Lanes
Byko Will Also Not Shut Up About The Fucking Al Fresco Dining
Byko Will Not Shut Up And Will Never Shut Up About The Fucking Bicyclists Because Byko Is A Fucking Text-Generating Robot
Byko Will Not Shut Up About The Fucking Al Fresco Dining, Redux

  • http://TheWorldExists.com/ BradyDale

    Please never let up on this awful, awful man. I hope you are already working on your “I’m glad he’s dead” obituary.

  • schmofo

    While sorting through some old stuff, I recently found a letter from my neighbor back home (Midwestern transplant. Sorry for ruining the city.) She was sending me some of my dad’s papers since she was also his paralegal. She closed with this gem (For reference, she grew up in Brooklyn):

    “I hope you and you wife are happy in Philadelphia. Oh, and if you ever read the Inquirer, and if there’s a column by Stu Bykofsky, he and I used to be great ‘pals’ [her quotes!]back in the day. But last I heard from him he was marrying someone younger than his daughter so I figured he’d changed too much.”