We all want to leave our mark on this world. And while we don’t exactly always have legacy in mind, it’s a good idea to commit to everything as if it is your last act on this Earth. Mistakes will be made, but if you’ve got this outlook, the chances are good that you’ll end up alright. It is with this in mind (we imagine) that John Corrigan, columnist for The Temple News, turned in his final column.
Corrigan is the author behind Temple News’ “That’s What He Said,” a relationship column from the male perspective. And while he had spent some time taking about how to get a second date and letting the gays into your inner circle, we think that he knew, deep in his soul, that his final column had to be his magnum opus. It is only with this in mind that we imagine inspiration struck. “I know what to do,” he likely thought to himself, “I’ll talk about the topic everyone is afraid to touch … the topic many people are ill-informed about. I’ll talk about a woman’s period.”
In his final column, “Time Of The Month A Time To Care,” Corrigan finally breaks down the stigma that men have towards a woman’s natural cycle. He says, in his infinite wisdom, “They call it a period, but an exclamation point is more appropriate,” before admitting that he has “yet to conquer the menstrual struggle.” Corrigan tried staying away from his own girlfriend — “Her name is … uh … Laura,” we imagine he tells friends. “But you don’t know her, she totally goes to another school” — as most civilized men have done, “I tried avoiding my girlfriend during her period.” But alas, that was not successful, because “distance only makes things worse because she wants you to console her and take her mind off the cramps.” Psssh … classic woman stuff. And knowing that this could possibly be his last chance to lay his immense relationship knowledge on the public, he resorted to rhyme, pleading you to listen: “Plus, she’s ‘in the mood.’ So take advantage of soothing her aches with a couple pelvic shakes,” which we’re almost certain are lyrics to “The Humpty Dance.”
Corrigan closes saying that he’ll “probably have [his] relationship status revoked after this column is published,” which really just sounds like the perfect excuse when his imaginary girlfriend doesn’t show up to the Temple News Christmas Party. Well played John, you got all your bases covered.