These charming men: MSNBC’s resident hoagiemouths.
Cowrry-sponnint, er aan-liss, er tawkin’ head er what-air youse wunna cawl Steve Schmidt, has feawn a hewm on MSNBC. Aetter making a Noice Livin’ workin’ fer de Repulligins an pickin’ awt Sare Pealin’ to be de Voice Prezzy-din, ‘e now works Mundy Wendy an Thursdy, o’or on MSNBC tawlkin bawt heaw who-air picked her awt, otta be fard, shtripped an trone in the da wooder an dreawn.
What I’m saying is that the local boy has got some serious Hoagiemouth. (Pronunciation: HOEWE-gee-mouf.) I’m gonna keep the dialectical typing to a minimum, ’cause it’s hurting my head — and yours, too, I bet. (Respekt to my boy Mark Twain, yo.) But the FOX News of the left is no stranger to wiz-coated tongues. Even if Chris “Tweety-Bird” Matthews didn’t bring up his Philadelphia home or the La Salle Explorers nightly, any awd-yo of his show would be a tell to even the most casual Mid-Atlantic viewer. Same goes for his regular fill-in, the likewise homegrown Michael Smerconish. Our question is this, though: How is it that just about all mainstream broadcast news has just about no hoagiemouth presence and, yet, somehow, MSNBC has three giant hoagiemouths, spewing a veritable BP leak of pickle juice over there, all the live-long day?
As the world gets smaller, here at home, Hoagiemouth has become more noticed. Among us natives, it’s a mixed bag: Some of us have it (and Lord, how we have it); some of us have someheaw escaped this dialect (ack!); and some (like Philebrity’s own EIC) have made a conscious choice to disembrace it (though even Sweeney, a race traitor if ever there was one, lapses back into it from time to time). Schmidt himself may in fact only be sporting a vestigial shadow of what was once a beaudyful geographic hallmark.
It is notable that he left the Bush administration in 2006 to run the Governator’s reelection campaign. That is a meeting from which I’d love to see the transcript:
“How, do you like Cally-fon-ya, Steven?”
“It’s Beaudyful and de Wedder’s Noice”
Perhaps as Journalism as we know it dies and is reborn, the long tradition of accent-less talking heads is destined to be a relic. And I honestly don’t know which dreadens me more, a broadcaster who sounds like this, or this. (And finally, how did Evan Handler not get cast in Schmidt’s role in the HBO movie.)
More #hoagiemouth updates as events warrant.
– Adam Brodsky
Adam Brodsky, is, in no particular order, a World Record Holding Folksinger, Writer, Baseball fan, and Beer League First Baseman who hits for average. His Novel will be out when he fucking finishes it, so get off his back! You can follow him @adambrodsky