The fine folks over at Little Baby’s Ice Cream have begun to churn out (terrible pun intended) a series of videos starring the incomparable Malcolm, an asexual, genderless, non-human (but human-esque) being that formed from a failed batch of Duck Sauce Vanilla ice cream. Unsatisfied with the amount of information provided about the fledgling star, we luckily managed to swing an interview with it. Jeffrey Ziga of Little Baby’s translated for us, as Malcolm’s native language–Meltese–is a non-English blend of Maltese and Misspellings. It went…..exactly as one could have expected it to. Full interview after the jump.
How have you been handling the heat wave(s)?
Malcolm: I chill in the freezer mostly. The Company provides me a portion of their walk-in, rent free, in exchange for starring in videos, helping around the shop, taking inventory, etc. I hate the summer mostly. As you can see from my work on-screen in the series of short films done by Doug Garth Williams for LBIC, I don’t hold up well in the heat.
Cranium aside, what other parts of yourself (if any) do you eat?
Malcolm: I’m edible all over. Isn’t everyone?
Jeffrey: I like It’s flavor a lot! It’s shoulder is nummy!
Malcolm: Hahaha Stop it! That’s weird in front of my first interviewer!
Jeffrey: Sorry Homie.
Do you have a family?
Malcolm: Not that I’m aware of. I gathered myself up out of a batch of Little Baby’s Ice Cream one day, just as human people are born. I’m unaware of anything before that day, but it just sort of started. I heard the three co-owners talking once and I think I overhead them talking about never putting Probiotics into the Ice Cream anymore, but then again, I’m a little hard of hearing…
What is your favorite flavor of Little Baby’s?
Malcolm: I’m made from a failed batch of Duck Sauce Vanilla. So that’s my favorite.
Where are you from?
Malcolm: Born from the Ice Cream mix, I’m technically from the Cows that roam freely at the seven family farms that Trickling Springs Creamery in Franklin County, Pennsylvania source from. Which one exactly, I’ll never know.
How old are you?
Malcolm: About a year, give or take.
Jeffrey: A little bit over. A year and a half, I’d say. I can’t remember and we didn’t write much down in the early days.
Will you be in attendance at the opening this Friday?
Malcolm: They got me working in the back. They’re all face and “Hi, How are ya?” and talking to their friends and the press. I’ll be washing dishes probably, with periodic breaks to go re-solidify in the walk-in.
Jeffrey: Malcolm, do you really think people want to shake hands with you? We’d go broke giving away napkins!
Malcolm: Or just up your rag order from the weekly linens service. With all the press those videos have gotten, I think I’m worth it!
Jeffrey: We’ll talk about this later, off-the-record.
Malcolm: OK Dude.
What flavor are you?
Malcolm: Like I said before, Duck Sauce Vanilla.
If you had to be another food, what would you choose?
Malcolm: Something solid, something sturdy, maybe a week-old Italian roll. I could get around a bit more.
At the end of your most recent video, an all-knowing narrator claims that “ice cream is a feeling.” Would you agree?
Malcolm: jyIce Creeaam if u Feeliujuuuungggg BLEET BLEEP. Urggglllllleeee…..
Jeffrey: OK It’s melting, we gotta go…
And there you have It.