Listen Cole, we’ve had a bit of a love/hate/love relationship with you in the past, but we can’t deny that on the field, you have done some amazing things. You played a HUGE part in bringing the World Fucking Championship home in 2008; what was possibly the greatest year in the history of Phillies baseball. You entertained us, even when you didn’t intend to. And for the most part, minus that whole “I wish the season was over” nonsense, you played and handled yourself like a pro, even while much of Philadelphia was cheering for you in the stands but snickering behind your back. And now, according to some rumors and a little bit of common sense, you may be leaving us. Ruben Amaro kind of denies it, but if a deal cannot be made here for the long term, we’d like you to be happy somewhere else, and to get some good players in return. Therefore, in case you are gone by the time we return from our holiday, let us offer these prepared responses based on what team you may end up with:
>>>LA Dodgers: We actually don’t mind this. You came from out that way, you kind of belong there, and they’re in the midst of some ownership changes. You can be the pitching star of that team. Good luck.
>>>New York Yankees: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.
>>>Anywhere else in the AL: It’s like breaking up and moving far away. It’s basically another sport over there. Maybe we’ll catch you on SportsCenter every once in a while, maybe we’ll run into you every few years. We just hope you’re happy.
>>>New York Mets: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.
>>>Anywhere else in the NL East: Ruben can’t be that dumb, right?
>>>Anywhere else: Thanks for the memories, but we better get something good out of this deal.
Well, that’s it Cole. We hope you don’t leave, but we know it probably has to happen. We wish it wasn’t you, but just know that you helped bring us that trophy, and we are forever grateful. Just don’t go full-on Werth, or you’re dead to us. Thanks.