You may not want to the think about this, but real talk: Kabletown knows you’re using its pipes when you’re stroking the bishop. Jerkin’ the gherkin. Punchin’ the clown. And like a good, discrete doctor, perhaps, they realize that, within reason, this is good for you. And for them! Would you continue to pay for Internet/cable if you woke up one day to suddenly realize that ALL THE PORN HAD GONE AWAY? Some of you, I see saying yes; others of you, mmmmmmmnotsomuch.

It is perhaps for this reason that Comcast has recently stood up for you filthy animals when it refused to comply with porn companies that wanted to sue you — yes, YOU, Mr. Sweaty — for illegally downloading whatever it is that rolls your sad little wagon. “It was a shakedown!,” said Kabletown, temporarily taking the form of an impassioned young Jimmy Stewart. It just wasn’t right! Why, there were 118 lawsuits against more than 15,000 currently-unnamed chronic masturbators! If we prosecute these sad, self-abusing loners, what does that say about us as a society?!

Here’s the fun part: THE JUDGE AGREED. He squashed the subpoenas issued to Comcast for the names of you and you and you. When reached for comment, the Great And Powerful Kabler merely looked directly into the camera, winked, and said, “I GUESS YOU OWE ME ONE NOW, EH, LOVERBOY?”

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 21st, 2012 at 11:31 am.