Ahh, spring is almost here. Time to clean the house, or maybe search the streets for used condoms, McKesson wrappers for hypodermic needles, deserted pants and Arctic Splash boxes in the Philadelphia Spring Cleanup.
But one type of thing City Council might not want you to clean up, if it has its way, are bandit signs. Don’t you have some unused diabetic test strips and nicotine gum lying around the house? Or maybe you want to tow away your neighbor’s car so you get more parking space on your block? No? Well sucks to be you. City Council wants to make sure people who have out of date expired and recalled diabetes strips find a new home for them and a loving owner who will wuv them and wuv them to death.
To make sure that happens, City Hall introduced a bill in January that seeks to make bandit signs legal all around you, so long as they’re put up with duct tape, glue or tied–to anything. If it passes, you can finally duct tape yourself to a tree if you want (holding up a bandit sign, of course). You might think that is fucked up, but this is probably just retribution for Councilman Kenyatta Johnson being the only person ever to be slapped with thousands of dollars in fines for nailing signs to trees to get elected (hey, it worked).
And now it gets even weirder. The sign nazis over at The Bandit Project, who we promise are way batshit crazier than those people over at SCRUB, pulled a CSI maneuver and they say the #1 bandit sign in the city is run by a tow operator who was convicted in 2003 of running a chop shop.
Well shit. Guess we can be glad the City’s not worried about murders, or anything.
We have an idea for a sign to put up: abortion clinic referrals near all the churches in Councilman Jones’s district. I’m sure he’ll love that once he gets these signs legalized.
— Christopher Sawyer
Christopher Sawyer is a frothing at the mouth neighborhood activist in East Kensington.