Film Sweat: Curses Himself For The Life He’s Led, Rolls Himself A Harry Rag And Puts Himself To Bed

RECOMMENDED: The Woman in Black, which is the scary movie starring Harry Potter. Now, I don’t know about you, but for me, it kind of feels like GAME ON right now in the battle of a lifetime wherein Harry Potter is done being Harry Potter, but is going to have to do all of this shit for like ten years to prove that he can be and has the right to be someone other than Harry Potter. (Going dong out in Equus, check.) Personally, I’m rooting for the guy. Being Harry Potter had to be one of the sweetest gigs ever, but it probably also has got to feel, after a while, like the Beatles felt in 1970 when they knew they’d be Beatles forever but also had a very strong desire to be heroin addicts and divorcees, just like everyone else. For young Harry Potter over here, there’s two ways to achieve this: Either making movies so awesome that, eventually, everyone will be like, “Man, do you remember when dude was Harry Potter?” OR, making movies so shitty that eventually, dude just says fuck it and buys a pub somewhere and screws whoever he wants until it’s time to drop. Either way, THINGS ARE LOOKING PRETTY SWEET RIGHT NOW FOR HARRY POTTER.

ALSO NEW IN THEATERS THIS WEEK: Declaration of War, which looks really good, but should also have a big sticker on the poster that says “WARNING: HEAVY FRENCH MOVIE ABOUT A BABY WITH CANCER”; Chronicle, which should have been called Bros Icing Bros… WITH THEIR MINDS!; and Big Miracle, oh fuck me, it’s a movie with Drew Barrymore and The Guy From The Office doing nice white people things like saving the fucking whales, which will come in handy sometime next year when you are desperately hung over and need nothing so much as an image of pure, unadulterated niceness. It’s not anything like what pure, unadulterated niceness really is in real life, but it’s like the man says: You need a busload of faith to get by.

For more recommendations on films currently in theaters, visit Philebrity’s Film Sweat archive. And click here for movie times. Need repertory film? Try Cinedelphia.