Get Schoolled: A weekly dispatch to the city of Philadelphia from the original gangster, Schoolly D.
Philadelphia native Schoolly D is widely considered the original gangster rapper. Schoolly has recorded nine studio albums, including PSK, Saturday Night, Smoke Some Kill and Welcome to America. He has scored numerous films, such as King of New York and Bad Lieutenant, and lent his composing and vocal talents to popular cartoons including the cult hit Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Currently, he is working on several projects including a forthcoming collaborative album.
After the jump, Schoolly’s debut column for Philebrity, in which he passes on some Valentine’s Day advice for the fellas: Don’t be a dick.
Get Schoolled, 2/14/11: Don’t Be a Dick!
And get some damned Breyer’s, fool.
It’s Valentine’s Day again in the city of Brotherly Love, and I’ve got some advice for all you guys out there trying to get some tonight. If you think Valentine’s Day isn’t a big deal, think again. If you don’t take this shit seriously, let me share a cautionary tale of my own foolishness: Last year, I was acting like a dick and I wanted to call off Valentine’s Day. I guess I was getting to that stage in life when all black men turn into Fred G. Sanford — the G stands for “not gettin’ any.” (Contrasted, of course, with all white men, who eventually turn into Archie Bunker.)
I was in a bad mood, hanging around some dickish friends, and they had me convinced it’s all bullshit, this holiday. I was ready to just ignore the whole thing. Then I called my older brother, Jamal, in Atlanta, and he set me right. Jamal didn’t mince words: “You stupid motherfucker,” he said. “You better get out there, get some flowers, candy, cards, anything you can. Don’t be a dick.”
So I went out and got it, and I show up back at the house, and it’s a good thing I turned myself around because my girls Jennifer and Jordan had made sweet cards, a comic book with the whole family in it, and it was just the best fuckin’ thing. So, don’t be a dick, because it pays to be a nice guy on Valentine’s Day. And if you need some help, here are my 5 tips for romance:
1.) It’s all about the food. Dark chocolate and strawberries for her. Total mood-setters. For him: Breyer’s vanilla bean ice cream, and watermelon. Watermelon is like natural Viagra, and the calcium in the ice cream does good things to ya dick. (Trust me.)
2.) Music – go old school and make a playlist or a mixtape. Women hate a quickie, so you gotta take your time with it. The music depends on the girl: Sometimes you gotta start off dancing with some Marvin Gaye, keep it fun and light, but by the middle of the tape you gotta be just a lover. Slow grooving. You can throw one or two Michael Jackson songs on there, but not too many cause you don’t want her thinking about little boys.
3.) Scrub your feet! Get a pumice stone, clip your toenails, soak your feet in salt water for at least 20 minutes. Nobody likes a grown man getting in bed with socks on.
4.) Set the mood. All those old candles lying around from Christmas? Bring them out, put them in the dining room or the bedroom. You’d think it’s corny, but chicks dig it because you took time and thought about it. Show thought!
5.) Tell her how you feel. Everybody goes for the flowers, but cards are better. My advice? Get two cards: One funny one to show your sense of humor, and one sweet one. You’ll have her ready to do whatever you want.
Last but not least, my advice for you single people: Stay away from the anti-Valentine’s Day parties. They were funny in the ’90s, but they’re just pathetic now. A bunch of losers hatin’ on everybody. Call your family. Call your mom and sisters. Today is about love for everyone, so remember you can show love to your family and your friends even if you’re single. Just don’t be a dick.
Get Schoolled appears every Monday on Philebrity. For more Schoolly D wisdom, check out Schoolly’s Funky French Toast Friday Video, Valentine’s Edition.