Plans For South Philly Walmart Renovation Sadly Do Not Include Total Destruction And Scorching Of Earth

On this much we can all agree: The South Philly Walmart is perhaps the darkest emotional corner of the entire city of Philadelphia. Sure, there are plenty of places that are in greater disrepair, more riddled with crimes both petty and capital, but no place we can think of locally will inspire more instant despair, more across-the-board automatic dread, more sympathy with all evildoers who hate America. For they do not hate us for our freedom; they hate us because of places like the South Philly Walmart. And they are correct, at least in this one very specific article of hatred. You’ll be happy to know, then, that the South Philly Walmart will be expanding, and renovating, and like the specific, unimagined-by-Dante circle of hell that it is, it will be twisting in on itself, adding more parking, trying to look more like a Target, and dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s on the new, unheralded ways in which America is slowly but surely morphing into a whole new kind of third world country. For they shall know the mark of the beast by the screaming child in the aisle, and the muffin-topped, thin-lipped mother in an Eagles jersey beating him. They shall know, they shall recognize, and thy will will be done.

19 Responses to “Plans For South Philly Walmart Renovation Sadly Do Not Include Total Destruction And Scorching Of Earth”

  1. lord_whimsy Says:

    Places like this are where Americathon and Idiocracy meet and entwine.

    Further proof that there is nothing–nothing–worse than what is known as Real Life.

  2. mentiras Says:

    “dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s on the new, unheralded ways in which America is slowly but surely morphing into a whole new kind of third world country.” = brilliant!

  3. eagleapex Says:

    Will they be incorporating the shantytown growing outside?
    This is kinda of a waste. They same idiots will grudgingly work there and the same idiots will shop there after the renovation.

  4. chuck63 Says:

    Upon entering that place (and others of the ilk) you begin to question every decision you have made in your life because, obviously, your chosen path has led directly to aisle 7…in a Wal-Mart…on Delaware Avenue…

  5. boggle Says:

    I am more afraid of walking around alone in the South Philly Walmart than I am of walking around alone in most parts of the city at night.

    The Target down there is no shining star of the Target community either. But I don’t think Target should install a decontamination zone like I think they should at the Walmart.

  6. pinchefresco Says:

    Oh, no. No way. The “darkest emotional corner of the city” by far is the South Philly Jo-Mar.

  7. bobbo Says:

    Stories of the South Philly Walmart should be a reoccurring series or blogspot:
    I’ve been to that Walmart once, when I first moved to Philadelphia and didn’t know any better. What first struck me was that they were playing serious, hard-core rap. Not Beyonce or radio-friendly shit, like UGK. Amazing. Second, every aisle I turned down had some unrecognizable shit spilled on the floor. Third, the employees stalking the floor gave off some rank predator vibes. The “I’ll snatch yo chain off!” sort of vibes. I went hope and immediately made my girlfriend promise she would never go there. No lie.

  8. Stacker Says:

    If you actually read up on Walmart’s net effect on not just the US but the world, it’s pretty fascinating. It’s easy to demonize a faceless big box store with petty, sometimes classist commentary but Walmart’s done far more good for the world than most people give it credit for. For the poor, not just in the US but really in many parts of the world, that place is for the most part a blessing. Google Wal-Mart for Nobel Peace Prize; very insightful.

  9. nastynate Says:

    @bobbo a recurring series is a fantastic idea, although i think it should be expanded to include the entire south philly delaware ave retail complex (thanks bart!). there could be stories of people coming to near fisticuffs on sunday mornings after church over crab legs at the chinese buffet, of multiple crying infants in rated r late night showings at the united artists and of people blasting hip hop at absurd volumes on the display speakers in best buy.

  10. shawnkilroy Says:

    Wal-Mart in South Philly is nice. I buy all of my food and clothes and gifts and furniture there.
    You people are all racists with no love for our good city.

  11. shawnkilroy Says:

    just kiddin. it’s a miserable, dingy shithole.

  12. krisis Says:

    On my 21st birthday I walked around in that Walmart sipping a guerrilla mimosa from a Tropicana carton. I felt as though I would have to be some sort of ridiculous, depraved wino to fit in with the clientele there, and it was my 21st birthday, so the two seemed to fit together.

    Don’t ask me why that seemed like the sort of thing I’d want to subject myself to on my birthday, rather than some other day where I could better appreciate the emotional black hole of that Walmart.

  13. bobbo Says:

    @Stacker: I don’t think economists have found a way to properly quantify a given retailer’s propensity to induce suicidal tendencies amongst its customers/employees when accounting for its net effect on the human condition. We’re talking about ONE PARTICULARLY SHITTY Walmart. If you’re looking for insightful commentary on the relative good of mass chains and their ability to marginally improve overall market practices, methinks you might want to go to a site where Photoshop isn’t so pervasive.

  14. Seanibus Says:

    What’s sad is that I sometimes find things at the South Philly Walmart that the nearby Target doesn’t have. But I have to dig deep under piles of unrecognizable garbage to find them. Like some kind of episode of Hoarders.

    We talked to an employee of a big gleaming Walmart over in South Jersey recently and she said some of her managers went to the South Philly store to help out and gave up in despair.

  15. MikeWebkist Says:

    The eyeglasses place in the front of the store is vey nice, actually. The two women who helped us were very friendly and even remembered us a week later, happy our sunglasses made it in time to take to the beach.

    But I can see how all the latinos and african americans would make some people uncomfortable.

  16. Nate Says:

    Oh yes, MikeWebkist. That’s why Joey + commenters don’t like it. The minorities. Do you read this blog, like, ever?

  17. MikeWebkist Says:

    Joke Man. But really. It’s pretty much exactly like every other walmart I’ve been in with the exception of the ones in flyover country — they really do have fewer black people in them out there. But that’s the point of walmart right? Sell exactly the same stuff in huge volumes and very small margins to everyone. Why should the lower classes of south philly miss out on that?

  18. zoestrauss Says:

    All Walmarts are the worst.

  19. dishtown Says:

    I call it the Jerry Springer Walmart

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