Plans For South Philly Walmart Renovation Sadly Do Not Include Total Destruction And Scorching Of Earth
On this much we can all agree: The South Philly Walmart is perhaps the darkest emotional corner of the entire city of Philadelphia. Sure, there are plenty of places that are in greater disrepair, more riddled with crimes both petty and capital, but no place we can think of locally will inspire more instant despair, more across-the-board automatic dread, more sympathy with all evildoers who hate America. For they do not hate us for our freedom; they hate us because of places like the South Philly Walmart. And they are correct, at least in this one very specific article of hatred. You’ll be happy to know, then, that the South Philly Walmart will be expanding, and renovating, and like the specific, unimagined-by-Dante circle of hell that it is, it will be twisting in on itself, adding more parking, trying to look more like a Target, and dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s on the new, unheralded ways in which America is slowly but surely morphing into a whole new kind of third world country. For they shall know the mark of the beast by the screaming child in the aisle, and the muffin-topped, thin-lipped mother in an Eagles jersey beating him. They shall know, they shall recognize, and thy will will be done.