Byko Will Also Not Shut Up About The Fucking Al Fresco Dining

bykoListen, you screwheads! Here is a man who would not take it anymore! A man who stood up against the scum, the filth! First, it was the bike lanes! Those fucking communist pig bike lanes! He led the charge! But no revolution could simply stop at bike lanes! What does he look like to you, some Maoist fag! No, that’s you! I can tell because you’re reading this blog! Guess what’s next, Charles Nelson Jong Il! It’s the motherfucking sidewalk dining! It’s just not right! These restaurants block the path of my Segway which has an AM radio that lets me listen to The Big Talker while I fart my way around the city! It smells like Dinty Moore and Old Spice! I’m a tax-paying American, you filth! I have my rights! I just said Old City was “hipster!” How come L&I isn’t doing my bidding! The Daily News is, after all, the paper written specifically at City Employee Reading Level! What, are they reading the Metro now instead! They’re owned by the Swedes! What the fuck! Nazi collaborators! This aggression will not stand! Look out, motherfuckers! My SEGWAY OF BYKO JUSTICE will mow you down! Yippee-kay-yay!

Previously: Byko Will Not Shut Up About The Fucking Bike Lanes

  • Patricio

    Someone needs to photoshop Stouche Byko’s head onto Travis Bickle while gunning down Albert Brooks on a photoshopped bike. With of course photoshopped cars parked in photoshopped bike lanes in the background. Photoshop.

  • Poster Nutbag

    my rant, cross-posted in the comments at brownstoner (i am not original enough to do 2 of these in one day):

    all of byko’s columns from here on out should be called “old man yells at kids to get off his lawn”.

    seriously, byko, get over it. things are changing so either lead, follow, or get out of the way (yes, i am quoting “idiocracy”). byko may remember the philadelphia of old, the one that shut down at 6pm on weeknights as people got in their cars and drove back to the suburbs, the philadelphia before rendell. but now you have a tectonic shift in people’s attitudes and values towards the city. people want to live downtown again. people want to go out and eat – gasp! – outside! people also like living in the city because you don’t need a car for daily use and things like biking (another target of byko’s “get off my lawn” rants) to get around in a more efficient manner.

    so, byko, since you opine for the good old days of a philadelphia devoid of street life, please keep pushing for a bikeless, al-fresco less philadelphia. otherwise get out of the way.

  • Make Me Dance

    I wanna hang out in hipster Old City, man.

  • the_ill
  • barryg

    I dunno, Stu might be right about this one. Pedestrians are part of a vibrant cityscape as much as restaurants.

  • MichaelJackSauce

    After Stu’s column where he wished for another 9/11 style attack, his petty grievances have taken on the air of reasonableness.

    Well played Stu.

  • schmoe

    Stu Fuckoffsky is only sorta kinda right about one thing: restaurants in an area with an outdoor dining overlay already in place should pay the required fee and fill out the paperwork so they aren’t freely enjoying the same benefits of al fresco dining that the law-abiding restaurants are.

    HOWEVER, where he is way off is in thinking that for any business not lucky enough to be in an overlay that it is somehow easy to get the permit. Every business not in Center City, or any of the few other overlays has to get an ordinance passed by City Council before they can even apply. It’s an onerous process to abide by the law and needs to be reformed.

  • http://lord-whimsy.livejournal.com/ lord_whimsy

    This controversy stems from the fact that Philly’s streets aren’t designed to accommodate both al fresco dining and pedestrian traffic. Ideally, squares and piazzas are where al fresco belongs, away from car exhaust and the filth of city streets. I rarely eat al fresco because in most cases the environment is anything but pleasant: you get jostled by passing crowds and the noise of traffic is deafening. I do think some places manage to get the al fresco/sidewalk balance right, though–but they tend to be away from main thoroughfares.

  • http://perfectlydisgraceful.typepad.com/perfectly_disgraceful/ Perfectly Disgraceful

    Sidewalk restaurants are the only thing that make walking around not quite as straightforward as it should be? Come on. The construction on the 1600 block of Walnut had the entire sidewalk, all the way to the street, blocked for months. And if construction isn’t taking up the entire sidewalk, it’s, oh noes! forcing us to walk single file for a few yards. Life in the big tough city entails minor difficulties like having to walk around shit sometimes. Often, literally.

    And parts of the city other than Center City? Crutches and wheelchairs? Please. With cars parked all over the sidewalk in South Philly, not to mention lines of fucking cheesesteak eaters, it’s pretty much impossible to walk more than a block without being forced into the street– and with no access to a curb cut. I would like to see a lot more enforcement in non-Center City neighborhoods before the sidewalk cafes get bitched at. Please.

  • wallspro

    I usually walk along the curb/area between signs and bike racks and the street anyway. It’s like the high speed lane.

  • kwinks

    heyy now.. I just wanna walk in a straight line with my cell phone one foot from my face.. and not have to pay attention to anything thats going on around me.. like any other “vibrant part of the cityscape” pedestrian..

    don’t get me wrong, i work for a planning office, and it kinda does suck when people don’t follow zoning codes that you only put in place to help everybody. But seriously.. don’t get your panties in a knot, i’m sure there’s still enough room for your fat ego to pass on through.

  • http://www.drawonthewalls.tumblr.com Bianca

    “It’s just not right! These restaurants block the path of my Segway which has an AM radio that lets me listen to The Big Talker while I fart my way around the city!”

    Does anyone else picture a significantly less cool version of Steve Buschemi as Seymour in ‘Ghost World’ whenever they hear this guy talk? Home boy just wants so badly to still be relevant, and, as another commenter said, he’s just totally disconnected from modern life in Philadelphia.