The real reason for The Great Phillies Slump of 2010? It’s not because they got caught stealing calls, silly! It’s maybe (probably not) because of this (most likely completely bullshit) rumor about how Jayson Werth is having an affair with Jennifer Utley. Now, we don’t want to give any creedence to this — it just reeks of fanboy fantasy — but if it were true, it would by default confirm something we’ve been suspecting for a while now, which we will phrase in a question: Has Jayson Werth dethroned Chase Utley as King Of The White Girls? (Or, at the very least, “King of A White Girl?”) Ever since Werth’s beard became a meme last spring, sending a player whom many women found attractive to begin with into the strata of Brawny Paper Towel Man/Levon Helm sex fantasy, we’ve been hearing women increasingly refer to Werth as “Baby Daddy,” “Daddy,” and often, just “Ooooh.” All of this would be complicated, of course, not just by the affair if true (Utley still holds a special place, right next to many Hitachi Magic Wands, in Philly) but also by the very real prospect that Werth could be traded soon. To those who refuse to choose, we can only say: Danys Baez would just be happy if you said “Hi,” or like, didn’t mistake him for the janitor or something.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 8th, 2010 at 1:59 pm.