Rumor Of Jayson Werth/Jen Utley Affair Likely To Drive All Women In Philadelphia Completely Insane

werth'The real reason for The Great Phillies Slump of 2010? It’s not because they got caught stealing calls, silly! It’s maybe (probably not) because of this (most likely completely bullshit) rumor about how Jayson Werth is having an affair with Jennifer Utley. Now, we don’t want to give any creedence to this — it just reeks of fanboy fantasy — but if it were true, it would by default confirm something we’ve been suspecting for a while now, which we will phrase in a question: Has Jayson Werth dethroned Chase Utley as King Of The White Girls? (Or, at the very least, “King of A White Girl?”) Ever since Werth’s beard became a meme last spring, sending a player whom many women found attractive to begin with into the strata of Brawny Paper Towel Man/Levon Helm sex fantasy, we’ve been hearing women increasingly refer to Werth as “Baby Daddy,” “Daddy,” and often, just “Ooooh.” All of this would be complicated, of course, not just by the affair if true (Utley still holds a special place, right next to many Hitachi Magic Wands, in Philly) but also by the very real prospect that Werth could be traded soon. To those who refuse to choose, we can only say: Danys Baez would just be happy if you said “Hi,” or like, didn’t mistake him for the janitor or something.

6 Responses to “Rumor Of Jayson Werth/Jen Utley Affair Likely To Drive All Women In Philadelphia Completely Insane”

  1. arcticsplasher Says:

    fyi, Brawny is not bearded but mustachioed. and that’s the old Brawny – the new one, funny enough, looks kinda like Chase. Werth’s beard seems somewhere between a Ray LaMontagne and a Devendra Banhart.

  2. John Lightstone Says:

    Puts a new meaning in “so easy, even a caveman could do it.”

  3. chuck63 Says:

    I guess that’s slightly better than having a teammate banging your mom (see: Delonte West and Lebron’s mother)

  4. monica Says:

    Holy god, chuck63, I was out of the country when that blew up, so this is the first I’m hearing of it… Heading down that google rabbit hole has left me covered in grime.

    Delonte! Say it ain’t so!

  5. amc4232 Says:

    Yeah, I think good team is performing poorly due to teammate having an affair with other teammate’s loved one is turning into a really annoying meme. In addition to the Lebron hoax, there was also one related to Villanova playing poorly in the tournament:

  6. JWerthRIP Says:

    The Jayson Werth Song!

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