Philebrity’s Procrastinator’s Guide To New Year’s Eve
We know what you’re thinking: “New Year’s Eve: Who gives a shit?” You can rattle off any number of reasons why people have come to loathe NYE — and of course, there are many — and you can bet we’ve heard ‘em (or uttered them ourselves) before. As a holiday, New Year’s Eve is in dire need of reform; as it is, it’s top heavy with expectations while underfoot any number of social mis-steps lurk like you owe them money. Nevertheless, here you are, and the prospect of staying in, when it’s right here in your face like this, is just too sociopathic, even for you. So after the jump, let us help. We’re not saying you have to like it; we’re just saying you have to go somewhere.
Upscale/Not Stupid Or Otherwise Totally Pathetic
For the discerning procrastinator who loathes the prospect of $1 PBRs and cocainesexjams in the same way that Americans loathe the act of thinking itself, one listing caught our eye: The APO Bar + Lounge New Year’s Eve, for which, we are told, there are still tickets available, both online and at the door. In keeping with APO’s high-end mixology steez (you can credit them with lifting off the craze here in Philly), they’re doing a 20′s/Great Gatsby theme with that particular style of attire being optional. Tickets are $100 and include: Premium open bar from 10pm-2am, hors d’oeuvres from 10pm-midnight, champagne toast at midnight and music by DJ Shawn Ryan of Hurrah. If you have the means (or are in trouble with your s.o. and need to make a good quick show of something), this definitely seems a good way to go.
Too rich for your blood? No problem. The West Philadelphia Orchestra‘s 2010 NYE Big Brass Bash is a full-on multi-culti bash and it won’t break the bank. Held at Tritone, the stars of the show are Philly’s favorite Balkan brass band, who’ll honk it up proper in grand Gypsy, wall-of-brass style — plus a DJ in between sets throwing down Turkish techno, cumbia, and so on. In addition, the band are also the cooks tonight: The WPO will be lovingly setting out an Eastern European buffet they made themselves, with love and starch. $20 gets you the buffet/champagne toast/tunes, $15 gets you just the champers and the sounds, $10 late night gets you out of whatever lame thing you just blew off to start this year off right.
Not Insane/Cheap And Amazing
For some reason, you are in the Northeast Philly: You might as well get drunk on nice beer. Brew Years Eve at the Grey Lodge Pub. $10 will get you in for a traditional neighborhood (but again, with great beer) shindig with prizes, noisemakers, hors d’ouvres, DJ, champagne toast, the whole shebang. We sense a lot of bro-hugs at this one, and man, you sure could use a few right now.
Speaking of neighborhood hangs, if you’re in Northern Liberties: Stop by the Standard Tap, as they’re celebrating their tenth anniversary of opening their doors tonight. Ten years in the bar/resto business is a grand achievement any way you slice it, but the Tap deserves special honors for everything from being an early hub for the ‘hood’s redevelopment to the best Bloody in town to Jason’s proud, strong asscrack. Happy B-Day, Standard Tap! We loves ya. Also, at midnight, for the second year in a row, 700 will be dropping a magical lighted ball from the roof of their perch at Second & Fairmount. It’s like Dick Clark except people are slurring for a different reason! Nevertheless, we are assured that kids are welcome for the ball drop, but if you want a drink, you’ll have to leave them outside, tied to a fire hydrant just like momma did with me in the old days. It builds character, she told me.
Cheap As Fuck, Filled With Young People And Completely Soul-Crushing
Jesus Christ, it’s going to take everything I’ve got just to get through this, so let me tell you right now: SUCK IT, 2009. Making Time is at the Barbary, spread over three floors and God knows what else. It was a great man who once said, “I hate myself and I want to die.” He did, and then, he did.
DJ Apt One & Skinny Friedman’s PHILADELPHYINZ NYE SPECTACULAR!! (their caps) is at Medusa, requires no RSVP and only $7. Special guest DJs Gavin Holland and Ed Blammo round out a night that, if you are doing this shit right, you will never have any recollection of. Free champagne at midnight, but, you know, we should have said this before: Unless you are at a friend’s house, or some place really expensive, DO NOT DRINK THE FREE CHAMPAGNE ANYWHERE ELSE. It is disgusting. You know this. But every year, you do it. What’s it gonna take to get through to you?
Over at P.Y.T., DJ Flufftronix spins a free dance party, and there’s a free Pickleback Shot toast at midnight! A Pickleback is one shot of pickle juice and another of the cheapest whiskey money can buy. First, you drink the whiskey, then hold it in your mouth while you quickly down the pickle juice right on top of it. Personally, I love this drink; you may not. But in any case, this is probably 500x better than most of the champagne toasts that will occur nine hours from now. Also, if you are doing the P.Y.T. thing, there will also be a shuttle bus there that can take you to the Disco Stick NYE Party at the Penthouse Club in the Norfeast with Double Dutch, Gunz Garcia & Lady Prowl for $20. (RSVP here.) If NYE is truly about debasement in the face of carrying on the myth that you give a fuck, we can think of no better place to do this than in a titty bar that you literally had to take the short bus to get to.
And finally, for the die-hard rockers among you, (The Sounds Of) Kaleidoscope are playing a free show at Kung Fu Necktie with DJ Dennis WolfFang, who’s actually pretty great. Again, the dubious champagne at midnight. God bless us, everyone.
Philebrity will resume regular posting on Monday and, we assure you, be in a far better mood. Happy New Year, everyone! And please be safe out there!
[Photo via the amazing Square America]
