Philadelphia is a town steeped in rich culture. Not to get all history lesson on you, but after you’ve been around for a while, weird-looking places start catching your eye. While most of them are benign, some look like there should be a spiral staircase to leading to a secret, smokey basement. There are plenty of places in the city that could or should be headquarters for the Guild of Calamitous Intent, either based on their facade or just the name. Here are ten possible headquarters for Evil Secret Societies.

10. The Ministry of Information: R.I.P. We know that it has been gone from Poplar Street for some time now but come on, it was named the Ministry of Information. Also, it had dentist chairs all over the place. That was truly menacing.

9. Jerry’s on New Market Street: This is the last bastion of a true corner bar in Northern Liberties. Tucked between 95 and 2nd street, one must knock in order to enter. Now, once you’re inside, you realize that this is just a corner bar for old neighborhood heads, but it’s still badass that the door is locked all times and you have to get the “OK” in order to enter.

8. Divine Lorraine Hotel: History of this place aside, it has evil secret society written all over it (it’s probably just under all of the spray paint.) The name has a spooky vibe and the weathered 19th century architecture adds to the ambiance.

7. Brave New Worlds: We know that it’s a comic shop, but the name of the place just smacks of dystopian behind closed doors shadiness to it.

6. The Coffin Room at Eulogy: Just the name “Coffin Room” sounds ominous. Ideally, once you sit down at the table with the rest of your evil team and together utter the correct archaic chant, the chairs should lean back and send everyone down a series of chutes that lead to the real coffin room, complete with furniture made out of skeletons and such. Sadly, it’s not the case. On the upside, there is beer in there.

5. Mad Decent Mausoleum: Diplo’s got the right idea: Calling something the mausoleum has a badass ring to it. While we’re sure crazy shit has gone down there in the past, we don’t think they’ve gone as far as to hatch plans for world domination. I mean, you heard that lameass Major Lazer album, right?

4. 12th Air Command: Based on the name, it should be a place where retired military officers go to drink scotch and concoct diabolically subversive schemes. Alas, it is precisely that.

3. Colosimo’s: There’s something about this place that always tickled a shady nerve. Perhaps it’s the fact that there were guns involved and the place just looked generally rundown and greasy. Perfect petri dish for evil plotting. May it rest in peace. And if anybody sees that neon deer sign at an auction or estate sale, please ring us.

2. Fraternal Order of Police at Broad and Spring Garden: Enough said.

1. Saturnalian New Years Association: Located around Third and Morris, this place is actually the inspiration of this very post. The sign out front says only that: “Saturnalian New Years Association”; and the facade is whitewashed with only glass bricks windows that seem give off an eirie glow of a true secret society. But if they’re secret, why do they have a sign? It turns out that they’re a Mummers Club and all is well in South Philadelphia. Damn.

Is there a Place You Can’t Understand in Philly? Some nook or cranny that makes no sense whatsoever? Let us know about it at tips[at]philebrity[dot]com.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 24th, 2009 at 3:57 pm.