The sooner we can all admit that today’s breed of vampire-obsessives are the new cat ladies, the better we will all be able to understand this phenomenon. And the better we understand that, the sooner we can all admit that this is everyone’s fault. Women like these vampire jerkoffs so much because, in some very primal and essential way, they are completely disappointed by human males. In the meantime, we have the Twilight and True Blood franchises, which absorb many people who otherwise have what we could, in a very general way, call “good taste,” but are swept up in a tide of what-if sexuality and no-fucking-way romance. And I don’t need to tell you that these movies and television shows and books are fucking hilarious, both when they intend to be and when they don’t. The Twlight franchise in particular is the big dog here — a bonanza of multi-platform entertainment industry commerce — and in addition to being the best accidental explanation of Mormon sexuality America has ever seen, it’s also, on the screen, delightfully shoddy. In the first Twilight movie, you could see where the pale white vampire makeup ended and real flesh began in just about every scene that had a vampire character in it — just about halfway down the neck. The Twilight Saga: New Moon promises more of the same, and lest we be spoilers, let the grand statement of it all be this: No one gets laid in the second one, either.

ALSO NEW IN THEATERS: The Messenger, a riveting drama starring Ben Foster, Woody Harrelson and Samantha Morton that tells the story of the guys in the Army who have to inform next-of-kin of war deaths; The Blind Side, a ripped-from-the-headlines football fable with Sandra Bullock; and Planet 51, more smart-alecky Pixar-type sugary dreck with which to poison the minds of the children.

For more recommendations on films currently in theaters, visit Philebrity’s Film Sweat archive. And click here for movie times.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 20th, 2009 at 2:57 pm.