A few years ago, when Lisa Scottoline joined the ragtag team of Inquirer columnists hired by Brian Tierney — a diverse gang that included Michael Smerconish, Rick Santorum and, eventually, John Yoo (which was when we officially could take no more) — Lisa struck us as the most harmless of the bunch. After all, Scottoline’s stock-in-trade was the legal thriller, a wing of genre fiction reserved almost entirely for people who don’t like to think. (Or, rather, people who think that they’re not people who don’t like to think. Tomato/tohmahtoe.) But then the columns started coming, and we could see the plan already in play: Tierney and Scottoline were looking to stockpile a stash of banal, like-duh columns that they could later John Grogan the fuck out of. And so it shall be: Complete with doggy art, meet Why My Third Husband Will Be A Dog: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman by Lisa Scottoline. We know you’re saying, “Oh, no.” But get with Lisa, and say yes to:

• Being caught braless in the emergency room
• Betty and Veronica’s Life Lessons for Girls
• A man’s most important body part
• Interrupting as an art form
• A religion men and women can worship
• Real estate ads as porn
• Spanx are public enemy number one
• And so much more about life, love, family, pets, and the pursuit of jeans that actually fit!

But if any of that sounds familiar, you have a good ear: Not only is Scottoline Grogan-ing the night away, she’s also sassing it up, Jennifer Weiner-style. Stuff like the bullet points above is pretty much exactly how the Wein takes words and turns them into sausage that smells like perfume. And lest you think Lisa slacks on the sassy, check out this soundbite, from the forthcoming audiobook that will inevitably be played at Guantanamo once the U.S. Army is finally legally forbidden from playing Britney Spears to horrified Muslims. In the meantime, you can catch Lisa at a signing at the Rittenhouse Square Barnes & Noble next Tuesday. Please say hello to the person who has set themselves on fire and will by then be burning to a crisp by the time you exit. That’s me. I did it because I love words.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009 at 12:56 pm.