No, Really: Now Will You Believe Us When We Tell You How Heidi Hamels Is Ruining Everything Beautiful That Was Once Cole Hamels?

Baby-Hamels

Words can barely do justice to this ad for The Residences At Two Liberty Place, in the current issue of PhillyMag. First off, is Heidi really pimpin’ that baby bump for rent credits? (Sheesh, and to think people got all bent out of shape when we took a free ride in an Infiniti.) Secondly… Mommy is orange. Thirdly, Cole. God, Cole. Someone help him. This cannot go on.

Previously: Now Will You Believe Us When We Tell You How Heidi Hamels Is Ruining Everything Beautiful That Was Once Cole Hamels?

UPDATE: But wait, there’s more!

Creepy-Hamels-#2

Ahhh! OK, now this is officially creepy. The “random children playing in the Hamels’ bed” make it so.

22 Responses to “No, Really: Now Will You Believe Us When We Tell You How Heidi Hamels Is Ruining Everything Beautiful That Was Once Cole Hamels?”

  1. dr_gingivitis Says:

    It looks like it might be a good thing that my Hamels shirt is so worn out from last year that it’s been religated to the “doing work around the house” pile. Creepy, and that doesn’t even touch upon the matching white outfits and fuzzy dog!?!?!

  2. John Lightstone Says:

    Does the pair of perfectly matched, ethnically varied children come with the apartment or is that extra?

  3. expat attack Says:

    1. Is it possible the Hamels finally bought some Gaybies?

    2. The fake skyline in the photos is giving me vertigo. For fuck’s sake, it looks like they’re living in a zeppelin not a an apartment building standing perpendicular to the earth.

  4. mcry93 Says:

    NO WAY!! somehow i missed this, but i did catch mr. hamels plugging comcast. Yes this needs to change.

  5. Walter Sobchak Says:

    Does anyone know who did these ads?

  6. jamison_108 Says:

    All your points are taken, but why are you blaming her for this?

  7. Tvox Says:

    “Does the pair of perfectly matched, ethnically varied children come with the apartment or is that extra?”

    I think under current law you have the option of choosing either the 10 year tax abatement or the children.

  8. ride1076 Says:

    I’m pretty sure that’s how Michael Jackson first started getting into trouble.

  9. mcknappers Says:

    Again, how is this HER fault?

  10. expat attack Says:

    mcknappers = Mrs. Hamels

    Also, please cut back on the bronzer. It can’t possibly be good for the fetus.

  11. mcknappers Says:

    Yeah, not at all expat, but thanks. I think she’s wretched. Just wondering why she’s getting the blame for something they are both doing. He seems more than a little weird to me, and this only confirms that to me. Why Philebs gives her all the heat and lets him off is a valid question.

  12. expat attack Says:

    @mcknappers

    Maybe because, he like, does stuff.

  13. Walter Sobchak Says:

    I agree that it’s unfair to blame her for the whole thing. She gets 50% blame; he gets the other 50%.

  14. Grapesoda Says:

    I get the blonde haired kid but..where the hell does the black girl fit in….

    And they’re all in their pj’s but the backdrop is daytime…

    Fuck it man. I’d do this shit for the right amount of bread.

  15. tips Says:

    @mcknappers: Not to put too fine a point on it, we are of the opinion that Cole came to Philly as a rube, as a hick, and that it fell to Heidi — God help all of us — to show this young man something of how the world works. To usher in a bit of sophistication. To school him, as no doubt she had been schooled (albeit poorly, apparently), in how to handle fame, the media, notoriety, and so on. Best we can tell, Cole is really out of his element here (a theory borne out well in interviews, where he often seems to be repeating talking points, George W. Bush-style) and indeed, instead of truly “helping” him, Heidi — a media-born creature if ever there was one — has chosen to graft her own Brangelina desires onto Cole, rather than actually teaching him anything. In short: Heidi knows better (a tremendous benefit of the doubt, I agree) and Cole doesn’t. It’s that easy.

  16. mcknappers Says:

    Well thanks for at least sharing your intent, because I gotta say it smacked of misogynism last time, and still doesn’t smell that great.

    But, to your actual point, I guess I can see it. But I still think you’re being too easy on him.

  17. Grapesoda Says:

    @ tips tldr.

  18. beerhunter Says:

    The Hamels probably just had a bit of Mad Men fever like the rest of us – only they felt inspired enough to design their very own ad! Dude clearly has a special knack for Photoshop, and Heidi can obviously bust out some creative copy. Apprently they were the “Community of the Year”… Who knew?

  19. annie Says:

    This ad makes me sad.

  20. Trish Says:

    Why is KD Lang hugging Heidi?

  21. Rsimmons Says:

    @Grapesoda… the black girl fits in because she may be one of the six of so black children Heidi wants to adopt. See the following quote from the February issue of Sports Illustrated.
    “We’re in the process of adopting an AIDS orphan from Ethiopia. Maybe two. I’m so pumped. I’d adopt six if I could. When I was five years old-I grew up in a very rural town in Missouri, and I had never even seen a black person-they asked us to draw a picture of ourselves in the future, and I drew myself holding hands with a line of tiny black stick figures. I’ve always wanted this.” – Heidi Hamels

  22. nd2381 Says:

    When they say “it” won cult, i mean community of the year are the referring to The Residences at Two Liberty or Cole’s bed?

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