For today, we are all that guy.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
A 52-year-old guy walks into an apartment complex with some crazy thoughts on his shoulder, says to himself, “Dudes, let’s snag a free laptop, scatter some lady-clothes about and run down a hallway all Full Moon Fevered near the security cameras.” This, on the same day he busted into two houses, threw some teen-lady clothes around (and stealing mom-lady clothes) and wrote some naughty words on a mirror before dropping the keys to the elementary school at which he’s the custodial engineer of errant puke, pee and poo remediation. (Whoops!)
All of which leads the local news programs to go all “Naked Burglar!!!” with the tale, but losing the subtle humor when they start throwing such terms as “stunning” and “seeking high bail” around while quoting a laptop-deficient “victim” saying she’s scared to even look out her window now. Christ.
Here are a few applicable knowledge eggs:
It’s a no-no to break, enter and steal. This applies to people both naked and clothed.
It’s a no-no to flash people who didn’t ask, or offer money, for the pleasure of seeing thy man-root.
It’s a no-no to have kooky people around pre-teens, but only if they have done, or entertained the idea of doing, a damn thing wrong on the elementary campus.
Finally, it’s also a no-no to turn all molehill maker when a crime not only was kind of misdemeanor-y in the physical-victims column but was –- let’s face it -– kind of entertaining with its bite-me-Puritans vibe.
Maybe it’s just the “Jame Gumb doing the tuck to ‘Goodbye Horses’ is fucking comedy GOLD” brain lobe doing the thinking for me. Or maybe it’s watching a jiggly old white ass on TV at happy hour. But, after laughing while bearing witness to Walt Hunter’s breakdown over this fable of overstated debauchery on CBS-3, I asked myself, “Did our appreciation of stupid criminals go the way of the ‘Do you have 12-pound balls … well, how the hell can you walk’ crank calls that Caller ID so abruptly stole from us?”
Setting aside the fact that suspect Michael Victor is said to need some undisclosed in-patient help, only a paranoid culture would appreciate John Q. Law pondering heavier charges instead of saying, “Pappas, do you really need high bail on a guy who didn’t hurt a soul”? Dude was naked, in an apartment building hallway for the sake of Christ; cut him some slack lest they turn streakers into domestic terrorists because they decorated a mirror with a word that starts with “C” and rhymes with “unt” in red lipstick or pawed at a teen’s Twilight tube top.
Abington Twp., do society a favor: Retrieve your sense of humor, yo. Allow the apologetic Victor to pay some compensation for items stolen or sullied before getting some head help and tell the masses to lose the holier-than-thou vibe when it comes to streaker-esque pranks gone wild.
Remember, humor is the spice of life. In some cases, it’ll even enable you look out the window without fear in your heart.
Viva Michael Victor!!!
– Brian Hickey