With wolves rapidly fading as the go-to animal of choice for fashion and music, it’s time for the public consciousness to embrace a new animal that reflects the current zeitgeist. In Philadelphia, all signs point to that hot new animal being the raccoon. The raccoon is actively taking steps to become an integral part of Philly life, meaning that raccoon-related cultural artifacts will actually represent something that we all experience on a daily basis (unlike seeing a wolf howling in front of a full moon during a lightning strike, possibly superimposed with a dream catcher).

The raccoons’ buzz-gaining initiative began in March when they commandeered the SEPTA controls in a bloodless coup, forcing residents to become dependent on their (admittedly superior) public transportation and customer service expertise. Next, they graced neighborhoods across the city with their presence, saving us from the need to over-indulge in Hello Kitty merch just to get our daily fix of cute. Just to prove that they have staying power, their next step was to become impervious to bullets, arrows, and general beat-downs by hooligans jealous of their passionate, vocal 2AM lovemaking sessions. Local businesses began adopting the raccoons’ loveable image, even causing animal control establishments to become more like fan clubs. On the fashion front, they have already begun adorning t-shirts; musically, we can only hope that local favorites Dr. Dog see the obvious benefits of reverting to the moniker of their earlier incarnation.

*Disclaimer: Raccoons are not, we repeat not, holding Philebrity headquarters hostage and forcing us to write pro-raccoon stories. We are operating of our own free wilSOMEBODY HELP US PLEASE! ESCAPE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 at 3:25 pm.