As pointed out by the City Paper today, a new Allstate report claims that amongst cities with more than a million residents, Philly has the worst drivers, who average a mere 6.4 years between collisions (for comparison, drivers in the “best” million-plus city in the study, Phoenix, average 9.2 years between collisions). The safest city in the entire study is Sioux Falls, SD, where drivers can expect to go a full 13.5 years without having an accident. (Or an orgasm, or a decent slice or pizza, or a black friend.)

Needless to say, Philly’s ranking may come as no surprise to some, but it’s still a big bruise to our collective ego. The obvious solution to this problem would be to invite the residents of Sioux Falls to our city, where they can be paired up with local motorists in a “buddy system” whereby the South Dakotans “tutor” the Philadelphians from the back seat during rush hour in a soothing Fargo accent. Providing helpful hints such as, “Don’tcha crash into Mount Rushmore, now” and “Ohh, keep your eyes open for prairie dogs crossin’ the road,” the tutors’ instructions will undoubtedly give Philadelphians the skills and confidence they need to maneuver around bicyclists at full speed (without turn signals) and show those Jersey drivers who are the rightful kings of the road. Hey, wait, we do all that already. Yeah! No matter what Allstate says, we’re number one! Go us! WFC.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 9th, 2009 at 2:37 pm.