Now Will You Believe Us When We Tell You How Heidi Hamels Is Ruining Everything Beautiful That Was Once Cole Hamels?

ColeHamelsYou know, for the longest time, we’ve been tiptoe-ing around what is really a pretty sensitive issue: How Heidi Hamels, wife of Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels, has been utterly ruining Cole for us as she drags him around from one dumb Cashman event to another in her quest to be the 215’s very own Angelina Jolie. But this aggression can stand no longer. On the Fourth of July — a day intended to celebrate the righteousness of the free man and a day on which, by rights, Heidi should have been stuffing her hubby with Bubba Burgers whilst wearing an American flag bikini in thanks and praise for this man, who surely is as sweet as a dove and the catch of the century — Heidi instead sent Cole out onto the Benjamin Franklin Parkway wearing what appears to be a Burberry Yap-Dog Backpack Holder Thing. Such an act of humiliating cuckoldry is the final proof we needed to state the following: Heidi Hamels is ruining Cole Hamels for the rest of us, and that is not fucking cool. Cole, we know you probably don’t see it yet — although you might, once Heidi tries to buy a Gayby with an iPod — but when you do, you are totally welcome to sleep on our couch for as long as it takes to realize that you could be boning any other woman in the world and not have to put up with this shit anymore.

11 Responses to “Now Will You Believe Us When We Tell You How Heidi Hamels Is Ruining Everything Beautiful That Was Once Cole Hamels?”

  1. mcknappers Says:

    Is it just me or is it entirely misogynistic to assume that a) it’s her dog and b) she FORCES him to do anything? It smacks of bitter bachelor syndrome. Yes- it’s always the old ball and chain that FORCES men to do things. Or maybe it’s man-hating as well- like men have no brains or willpower of their own. Either way- this post is dumb.

  2. Dr. Ward Says:

    This is what Coles horrible wife had to say:

    “We’re in the process of adopting an AIDS orphan from Ethiopia,” she said. “Maybe two. I’m so pumped. I’d adopt six if I could. When I was five years old — I grew up in a very rural town in Missouri, and I had never even seen a black person — they asked us to draw a picture of ourselves in the future, and I drew myself holding hands with a line of tiny black stick figures. I’ve always wanted this.”

    When I was a kid I wanted a Stretch Monster and a Spiderman Big Wheel in the worst way imaginable. I drew pictures of them too. Children from Africa are not Stretch Monsters or Spiderman Big Wheels. They are not the latest trendy accessory for celebrities. (Try as she might, Heidi Hamels is not a celebrity, by the way). And if they are really determined to adopt children, or if they can’t conceive a child on their own, aren’t there plenty of worthy and deserving children in our own community? This whacko needs to stop trying to pull our star pitcher off the mound and onto the fucking bandwagon. Let the kid do his job already. Stop making him fulfill your misguided childhood fantasy, stop humiliating him by making him carry around dogs in backpacks whilst in public, and stop ruining his career.


  3. mcknappers Says:

    I’m not saying she’s awesome, in fact she does seem pretty horrible. But the guy married her- so what does that say about him? And just because she’s completely misguided about adoption, does that automatically mean she made him carry around their dog and/or that she carries around his balls?

    I just hate this “Oh, this terrible woman is ruining this great guy” shit I hear from the friends of married men.

  4. tips Says:

    Psychological projection (or projection bias) is when a person’s personal attributes, thoughts, and/or emotions are ascribed onto another person or people. A modern view of projections is that they are prerequisites for normal social functioning. A person who is incapable of ascribing his/hers own feelings on other people would have great difficulties in understanding them. This may happen in Aspergers Syndrome.
    In classical psychology projection is always seen as a defense mechanism which occurs when a person’s own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else.

  5. Dr. Ward Says:

    Going out on a limb here… mcknappers might be a woman, possibly divorced after tons of her husband’s friends swore up and down that she was ruining his life and that he should dump her… probably because she wouldn’t let him watch baseball. If you’re a dude, mcknappers… get off the rag and stop sounding like the aforementioned divorcee. Hamels hasn’t been pitching all that great + wife that is horrible = a ballooning ERA. What are we supposed to blame it on… the fact that he’s hurt?!? That doesn’t make for much fun, and it certainly doesn’t make for much Philebrity.

  6. St. Circumstance Says:

    Let’s reel it in, folks. Heidi is very pregnant right now. Cole should do whatever the hell Heidi wants right now. I’ll tell you from experience, when your pregnant wife says: “Honey, can you (insert ridiculous request)”….You better fucking do it. It doesn’t matter who you are. Thy will be done. Cole gets a pass on this.

  7. Dr. Ward Says:

    I didn’t know she was preggars. On one hand I feel as though congratulations are in order for them, on the other hand, I am even more distraught by the knowledge that–as St. Circumstance said– he pretty much has to do what she says, no matter how ridiculous it is, because she is lugging his baby around in her belly (I know, I’ve been in his shoes before as well). So long as she’s not crazy and telling him to throw fastballs down the middle on every pitch, I guess it’s okay. I still think she’s a celebrity mongering whacko, though.

  8. woodystems Says:

    Man up, Cole. We need your balls. And that E! True Hollywood Story last night featuring Heidi did not help matters.

  9. mcknappers Says:

    Not divorced, love baseball. You’re missing the point, which is that it’s dumb to blame the wife for all the things he does that you think are uncool. Maybe HE’S just not that cool. I mean, he’s a great pitcher- but does that mean he’s not a weirdo who wants to adopt African babies and carry around a foofy dog? I don’t know the guy, I don’t know his wife, but all I’m saying is it’s unfair to pin that shit on her.

  10. expat attack Says:

    It may be unfair to pin it on her, but it is logical to. Any idea how much crap the average athlete would catch in the locker room over a photo like this? While the possibility exists that Hamels loves rockin a luxe-maltese-stuffed-backpack so much that he’ll take being mocked by his teammates for YEARS, it’s probably very, very small.

    As for the African Gayby adoption, that’s anyone’s guess.

  11. sarahKNUCKLEUP Says:

    @mcknappers re: first post:

    yeah, it *is* entirely just you. unless yr entirely cool with being utterly emasculated, you don’t parade around with a bitch of a dog, in public, when yr a sports icon…

    also, QFT Dr. Ward.

    wonderful you’ve got a kid on the way, but you have a fuckin job to do.

    i know it’s a balance, but it’s difficult to try and have sympathy for others’ choices whose balance is different than what you or yr teams is.

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