Now Will You Believe Us When We Tell You How Heidi Hamels Is Ruining Everything Beautiful That Was Once Cole Hamels?
You know, for the longest time, we’ve been tiptoe-ing around what is really a pretty sensitive issue: How Heidi Hamels, wife of Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels, has been utterly ruining Cole for us as she drags him around from one dumb Cashman event to another in her quest to be the 215’s very own Angelina Jolie. But this aggression can stand no longer. On the Fourth of July — a day intended to celebrate the righteousness of the free man and a day on which, by rights, Heidi should have been stuffing her hubby with Bubba Burgers whilst wearing an American flag bikini in thanks and praise for this man, who surely is as sweet as a dove and the catch of the century — Heidi instead sent Cole out onto the Benjamin Franklin Parkway wearing what appears to be a Burberry Yap-Dog Backpack Holder Thing. Such an act of humiliating cuckoldry is the final proof we needed to state the following: Heidi Hamels is ruining Cole Hamels for the rest of us, and that is not fucking cool. Cole, we know you probably don’t see it yet — although you might, once Heidi tries to buy a Gayby with an iPod — but when you do, you are totally welcome to sleep on our couch for as long as it takes to realize that you could be boning any other woman in the world and not have to put up with this shit anymore.