Even when my brains were eggs benedict, after they took me off the morphine, I recognized that that little pill they were giving me in moderation made me forget that my head had been cut open, my shoulder crushed and two vertebrae broken. In fact, I felt like I could do The Worm.

After the jump, yon Brian gives the Food & Drug Administration a little piece of his mind. The part that’s covered in hollandaise, we believe.

Dear 20 of 37 Members of an FDA Advisory Panel,

Hey, how are all y’all doing today? Good? Well, I should assume so. It seems like you’ve just completed the uber-stressful job of figuring out what high doses of acetaminophen do to the liver. No, I don’t think it’s arrogant, not one single bit. You have every right to call yourselves American heroes!

What’s that, you sense sarcasm? Guilty as charged!

As I sit here in my home office, I’m looking at a look at my prescription bottle of generic Vicodin. Says to take one every six hours as needed for pain; I average two a day, because I’m ballsy enough to invite a wee bit of aching so I appreciate the non-achy times more deeply. Maybe I have a pain fetish, who knows. At least I’m not fixated on rubber dollies.

But, what is it that I see on the fourth of five warning stickers on the back, the yellow one? “Taking more acetaminophen than recommended may cause serious liver problems.” Translation: Dudes, you all didn’t do a lick of work except echo a warning that was already well known. Translation 2: Are you on the take from a pharm overlord that has cultivated a non-acetaminophen pain pill? Next-level translation: Those of you who suggested shelving totally suck to the core of your souls. So do your families. I mean that. I know that.

You see, while you get all high-and-mighty, being all like, “People of Earth, we should ban Percocet and Vicodin. It’s bad for you. Will nobody think of the children!” I’m all like, “Put Precious in the bucket that I’ve used to lower the lotion down the well, or you won’t know what pain is.”

Allow me tell you a bit about what happens after you get run over by a car going about 40 mph, and they have to cut two pieces of your skull out so you survive after a coma: Pain. Lots and lots of pain. And you can’t pick a damn thing up at the farmacia to make it go away. But, you know what? Even when my brains were eggs benedict, after they took me off the morphine, I recognized that that little pill they were giving me in moderation made me forget that my head had been cut open, my shoulder crushed and two vertebrae broken. In fact, I felt like I could do The Worm.

At first, I was begging for them morning, afternoon, night, wee hours. Like a junkie. Was my liver side-effected? Who knows, but I have trust and faith in my doctors and nurses to not give me too much of it. (I didn’t always take it well: Just ask the nurse who had to hear my ask for one every couple minutes from 2 – 6 a.m. Sorry, again!) Plus, I have the knowledge that going seven months without a lick of booze did more good than the little white pain pills could do harm.

So today, this guy -– even though saddled with kind-of-an-addictive personality –- takes them when the pain renders it harder for him to walk down Midvale to the river or get atop the balance board for 90 minutes of Wii Fit. Without the pain that only Vicodin counters, I’ve been able to get back to the point where I swung a softball bat and ran to first base over in Strawberry Mansion yesterday. This is oppo-junkie behavior. I think I’m in the majority, actually, knowing full well that when the pain has subsided so too will my need for super-pills. (Side note: If it’s about abuse, a ban will only drive the abusers to Scotchgard huffing, Robitussin pounding, salvia puffing, toad licking or getting prescription medicine from non-prescription sources. We all know that nothing but good comes from any of that.)

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m on the pharmaceutical companies’ side. It’s a bad call for doctors, patients and those who profit off of doctors and patients. And, it’s a bad call for me, which is my primary worry in the here-and-now. FDA, if you take away the only medicine that works, you’ll be bringing pain back into my life regularly. And that, of course, would make me angry. I can think of 20 people who won’t like me when I’m angry.

XOXO,

Hickey

– Brian Hickey

Want more Brian Hickey? Get it here: hickeyblunt.blogspot.com

Previously: And Now, The Premiere Edition Of… Brian Hickey: As Nasty As I Wanna Be

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 1st, 2009 at 3:09 pm.