Philebrity,

I am writing to inform you that I am ending our relationship. I am aware of your ignorance to my existence, which is both intentional and presumably acceptable on your end; however I find it appropriate now to publicly express my regret that our partnership cannot continue. This is not a stunt, nor is it some misguided attempt to see my name posted on your site, but rather a very sincere communication of my appreciation of your presence in my life over the last few years. Being that I have been a loyal reader (and the fact that I am a practicing Catholic riddled by guilt), I feel that I owe you some form of explanation. So here you go:

After the jump, the rest of our friend’s “Dear John” letter, and our response.

1. I am a) not originally from Philadelphia and, b) not currently living in Philadelphia. Raised in Chester County, I am weary of people from West Chester who claim they are Philadelphians. I wish I were a Philadelphian, and in addition to spending my college years at Saint Joseph’s University, I lived in Manayunk for the last four years, so for a while there I could lay claim to that title. Things change, however, and I currently work and sort of (more on this later) live in North Jersey. I feel like anyone who enjoys your site should probably have a rooting interest in the news, people and events that shape the city. Unfortunately, I no longer do.

2) Arthur Kade baffles me. Two years ago I feel like I co uld have followed the series of posts, videos and magazine articles about this knucklehead with the correct blend of ironic cynicism, witty humor and detached whimsy that defines many people my age. Now, I am just confused and slightly annoyed by my interest in this utterly uninteresting human being.

3) It’s not you, it’s me. I am not cool, and honestly it goes deeper than that. I am a 28 year old guy who spent the last few months living with a elderly, half deaf woman and her two cats. I have no girlfriend. In fact I haven’t had sex in over 30 months. Seriously. I am overweight and balding, make $7,200 a year coaching college basketball at the Division III level and am currently living with my parents during the off-season.* You can do much better than me.

So there it is. I hope you are not too broken up over this. Perhaps from time to time I will check in with you at a moment you will be utterly unaware of. I promise no to become one of those stalker-types, that would take far too much dedication on my part to pull that off. Thanks for everything you have given me over the years, you were amazing- truly a site I will never forget.

Regards,

Bobby

* After rereading this sentence I want to add that I love my life. Really, I do. Everyone makes choices, I have chosen to20be in this situation and I have never been happier. I didn’t want you to think that this was some kind of soul searching letter either. I am not about the jump off the Ben Franklin Bridge.

Bobby,
Thank you for your letter. While I can certainly respect your life choices all the way around here, and I definitely appreciate your candor, I also feel compelled to urge you to stay on with us. There’s a few reasons for this. I can go through your explanation points one by one — and in a moment, I will — but before I do, I’ll state the most simple and salient reason you should continue to read Philebrity:

Philebrity needs you.

Trust us, we get the whole “you’re too cool for school and I can’t hang with you” thing all the time. But here are the facts: We just ran a post about thunder. On Saturday night, we had a dance party with pretty much nothing but Belle & Sebastian records. As the editor of this site, I have a $14 haircut, and in the off hours, I shop online for preppy Grandpa clothes, but can never find things I like because my neck is massive and it’s totally impossible to find those L.L. Bean corduroys that have the ducks on them anymore. So pardon me if I do not exactly feel like Miles Davis. And even if you thought this site was on a similar plane of holier-than-thou cool, well, first, thank you, but secondly, that’s all you.

And in point of fact — and to reiterate my earlier claim — Philebrity needs smart, self-aware, people like you reading us. You keep us honest. So what if we sometimes know about a band a few beats before you do, or if we’re racists against breeders and cubicle jockeys and all those who seek to deaden the manifold joys of modern life? That is what we’re here for. That is the service we provide to you. But this is not a one-way transaction, friend. We also need you — you, who live with your parents and might be down on your luck right now (take a number, bub) but nonetheless are a thinking, passionate human being who, no matter where you reside, see the towering beauty implicit in the urban covenant. We need you to keep us honest. We need you to write letters like this every so often when you feel like we are drifting away from each other. We may not always agree, but we will always give real consideration to what you’ve got to say. That is how it’s always worked, and that’s why we’ve stayed friends for so long.

Now, as to your specific concerns. You don’t live in Philly anymore. Fair enough. But know this: We hear almost once a week from people who’ve left the city and still keep tabs on what’s going on here primarily through us. As you can imagine, in some ways, nothing makes us prouder, or is more of a driving factor in why we keep on. Plus, there is also this ancient wisdom about people who leave Philadelphia: The good ones almost always come back. Because they are not fit to live anywhere else. Regarding Arthur Kade? We hear ya, buddy. Kade is killing our souls, as well. But soon, he will belong to the world, and then we’ll be done with him. We may not be too cool for you, but know this: We are all too fucking cool for Arthur Kade. Gimme some up top. And finally, as to your own personal situation, hang in there. I know what you’re going through. When this website started, I was in the middle of getting a divorce, living on like $75 a week, and no idea whatsoever what direction my life was going to take. But there was an intense amount of freedom in being just that fucked, and though you may not believe it, I often look back on those days with an intense amount of longing. Whatever you’re going through, Bobby, know this: It’s just another chapter. And perhaps, the seeds of the defining successes of your life are right under your nose, and you just haven’t noticed them yet.

So stay with us. We’re your line on what is going on outside your own personal pain cave. If you give up on us, what are you gonna read instead? Phillyist? Please. We are tribesmen, whether you like it or not. In summary, you’re not allowed to leave. To paraphrase a pop culture meme, Philebrity is a fever, and the only cure for that fever is more Philebrity. And you ain’t going nowhere.

And that, friend, is a beautiful thing.

In solidarity,

Joey Sweeney
Editor/Publisher
Philebrity.com

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 9th, 2009 at 11:14 am.