Everything’s Better In The Northeast: Understanding Kate Gosselin’s Hair
Now, Kate Gosselin, star of Jon And Kate Plus 8, may not be from Northeast Philly, but you can bet your Crocs that her hair is. We’re kind of late to the Jon and Kate party, but lately, as press coverage of this truly horrifying woman and her poor beleaguered family has reached critical mass (our official opinion is that Jon has every right in the world to cheat on her), we’ve been fascinated by one thing and one thing only: Her hair. We’ve seen that hair before. We know that hair. We’ve seen it in the Wawa, buying smokes; we’ve seen it at Target, verbally abusing its children; and we’ve seen it at events, whispering mutedly racist tropes. In fact, anywhere where the Curiously De-Feminized Women Of The Northeast doth roam, so too does That Hair. And now that Jon & Kate are doing boffo box office, That Hair has gone national. Women Who’ve Given Up On Themselves everywhere want to know, how do I get THAT HAIR? Well, ladies, it’s easy. According to Beauty And The Bath:
The Kate Gosselin Bob is considered to be a perfect hair cut choice for busy moms. [...] Many mothers are particularly interested in how Kate manages to keep up her appearance so easily. The trick is, her great concave bob hairstyle.
What follows is an Encyclopedia of That Hair. Everything you wanted to know, but were afraid to ask. But then again, if you live in Philly and you’ve been paying attention for the last, oh, 20 years, you already know. You already know.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:23 am
i love you, philebrity. i’m dying here
May 28th, 2009 at 11:23 am
This haircut is not bad in theory, I have had varying degrees of this bob/pixie on my trip to short-short woman hair. But in Kate’s case its terrible in practice. I think the complete disconnectedness of the fringe from the back coupled with the 2002 highlights is just a recipe for disaster.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:31 am
“whispering mutedly racist tropes”
That, friend, is a brilliant little clause (at the will-call queue: “Who do these people tink dey ahhrrrre?”) within the equally delicious scope of your CDFWOTN observation — which deserves a multi-year study. There must be some federal stimulus dough to be had for some Temple anthropology grad students. Talk about your shovel-ready projects.
May 28th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Its not far off from the Raver Girl hairstyle of ‘97-’98.
May 28th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
that haircut is sort of a reverse mullet or perhaps even a “dyke” cut for the “straight” ladies.
May 28th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
This is absolutely the modern day, suburban urban mullet.
May 28th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
re: This is absolutely the modern day, suburban urban mullet.
now named aptly… the “sumullette”
May 28th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
“whispering mutedly racist tropes”
This is also pretty accurate. I grew up in the Northeast, and they are as racist as they come. And now the region’s claim to fame is a cheesesteak hole whose name roughly approximates the intelligence level of its average denizen. ugh…I need to move back to NYC.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:56 am
This kind of stuff only contributes to the city’s inferiority complex. There are a lot of obnoxious twats in the Northeast– as there are everywhere– but the majority are good people. The Northeast is a very real part of Philadelphia’s cultural identity. Why don’t you NoLibs suburban imports just give up and go write for Gawker? It’s probably a better use of your time than willing Philly to morph into New York.
Still, I’m sure the women of the Northeast are all pretty bummed to be thought unattractive by a bunch of greasy-haired hipster trash.
woodsy, you should go back to NYC… Your holier-than-thou attitude probably fits right in.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Hipsterscum, you know not of what you speak. I was born and raised in Fishtown and live here now. Is the Northeast beyond criticism or social commentary? Please.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Hipsterscum, I lived in Northeast Philly for junior high and high school and for the most part, Philebrity is dead on.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Apologies. But it will be interesting to see how your “social commentary” changes if say, Rhawnhurst, ever starts gentrifying a la Fishtown.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Also Sugar Town, I live here now… And I still disagree.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:38 am
If Fishtown is gentrifying, then why do I have to sweep Oxycontin Zombies off my stoop thrice a day? Save it for the FOP Beef N Beer, Sixpack.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Having lived in NYC, L.A., and Chicago, I can honestly say the people of those cities are remarkably less racist and more comfortable sharing space and culture with other people than Philly is and has ever been. And that’s from a Philly native with some perspective. If my experience and criticism of Philly from said experience somehow implies a “holier-than-thou attitude,” then so be it. NYC is a leading city in so many respects. Philly needs to follow and leave its PROVINCIAL ways behind. And if that makes some people feel inferior, they obviously need to find better ways of affirming their ego than deriving their sense of pride on where they reside, which is exactly the kind of provincial quality I see in people here.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
“But as for Philadelphia’s metamorphosis, what about the old neighborhoods — the old Fishtown that was his home? Neighborhoods changing in price, style and reputation, no doubt leaving at least some residents displaced, or at least feeling left out, or at least struggling with the change?” – Dan P. Lee, “Philadelphia, Meet Your Future”
Sounds like gentrification to me.
I shouldn’t have been such an asshole with that first comment… I really do understand wanting the city to become a better place.
But does that have to mean heaping condescension on other people who live here? Yes, it’s embarrassing to be associated with the many classless, racist jerks in the NEast. And there have been knife fights in Fishtown to “preserve the whiteness of the neighborhood”, but the fact that there is currently no Northeast counterpart to Johnny Brenda’s doesn’t mean you should dismiss this area’s contribution towards shaping what it means to be a Philadelphian.
… We in the Northeast are all really, REALLY sorry about this Arthur Kade business though.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Who said anything about Johnny Brenda’s? I’m dismissing the NE for its provincial, racist attitudes. And for that, yes, Philly fully deserves my condescension. Case closed.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
re: “Who said anything about Johnny Brenda’s? I’m dismissing the NE for its provincial, racist attitudes. And for that, yes, Philly fully deserves my condescension. Case closed.”
Yeah, perhaps it is best you left the city.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
“Yeah, perhaps it is best you left the city.”
QED
May 29th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
woodsy– I was addressing tips, NOT you, to remind him that we don’t live in Williamsburg.
May 30th, 2009 at 1:48 am
Enough, lads. We were trashing NE white women in general, right? You guys are bumming me out. Let’s just all get along here.
So. Lower-back tattoos. Not even trashy anymore, just boring, eh?
June 10th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Born and raised in the Northeast and this was the funniest shit I have read about it in a long time. And spot on. It is not condescending it is true. And funny. I am sure that the various women that I know (and that are in my family) with this hair and this attitude would agree and think it was funny as hell. I even had a (cuter?) version of this hair in 1998 and it cracks me up.