Ah, Spring, when a young thug’s fancy turns to sticking up those That 70s Show-looking people that just moved in down the street. And so it shall come to pass that the Mugging Season begins, borne of a seemingly eternal Haves/Have-Nots border comprising Fifth Street, in many cases, where the Section 8 border separates Northern Liberties from The Ghetto, where the streets have no (quaint old timey) names, and Poplar St., which is the border that separates police districts, thereby making anything that happens there somebody else’s problem. Unless it’s yours. And then it will stay yours.

In the past 4 days, muggings have occurred in the NoLibs/Fishtown area, obeying similar patterns as years previous (at any given time of day, someone is always being stuck up outside the R.U.B.A. at Fourth & Green) but also showing two new, nastier traits. For one, the mugging that happened earlier this week outside the R.U.B.A. ended in a stabbing, and for another, like so many Christian hipsters, the muggers also seem to be setting their sights on Frankford Avenue, where a cracked-out couple are holding up people for their dough and, in the case of our friend Gillian, a bag of crystals and a unicorn rainbow-decorated Nokia from 1998. (God, we’d love to the see reaction shots of the muggers later that night when they opened up that part of the booty.) In any case, this is what it is, and you should be careful out there. Here’s a few quick tips from us:

Don’t be afraid to act crazy or walk in the middle of the street. Muggers, in general, all share a common goal: They want your shit, and they want it with a minimum of static. If you are already being mugged, obviously, hand it over. First world problems. However, if you merely think you’re about to be mugged, just BUG THE FUCK OUT. The worst that could happen is that someone thinks you’re on drugs. Run. Walk in the middle of the street. Pick up your phone and be like, “Hey, I’m outside, see you in a sec.” Start singing. Do whatever. All of this will signal to the mugger, “This person could be more trouble than they are worth, and besides, I bet all he/she’s got is a bag of crystals and a unicorn rainbow-decorated Nokia from 1998.”

Be aware of how the area you are in is policed. See that border of Haves/Have-Not’s and policing districts mentioned above. Because being aware of where you are in a general pattern of crime will definitely affect your decisions of where to travel at night, with whom and how. Basically, just know your ‘hood and have eyes in the back of your head.

Pay close attention to neighborhood message boards and local lore. NorthernLiberties.org and Fishtown.us and the various neighborhood boards on Phillyblog are a great way to keep abreast of mugging hotspots and common mugger M.O.’s. So are community newspapers (lots of ‘em have police blotters) and neighborhood scuttlebutt, which brings us to our last point…

Stop being such a weird dirty gentrifier and introduce yourself to your neighbors already. This is both common sense and basic human decency. Neighbros always look out for neighbros — that’s right, I’m saying, “neigh-bros” BECAUSE THAT IS HOW YOU SHOULD TREAT THEM, like bros! — and you basically suck at life if you don’t at least try to know your immediate neighbors, even if they do listen to WMGK on their front stoops all day long, shirtless, like a bunch of lost hillbillies. You are all part of the same urban covenant that is as basic and beautiful as the air we breathe. So get street-smart, kids, and be careful out there, because you must remember: These muggers are already muggers. They don’t need encouragement.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 21st, 2009 at 3:39 pm.