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Readers Write: Steven Wells Hates My Band And All I Got Was This Ultra-Foggy Reference To Sweeney

killyouHere’s one for The Ethicist: What do you do when a semi-literate, bare-assed cancer nugget suddenly starts linking you to everything in the world he doesn’t like in a foolish effort to, oh God, who knows what?

Hello Good Sir
I just got an email linking me to an article that tears us [the band Kill You In The Face, pictured] apart and references you. We thought it was pretty funny, maybe you will, too. It’s by a gem of a guy named Steven Wells.
It reads as follows…

• Now just a quick message now to newish Philly band Kill You In The Face. Lads, you have a fantastic name. So fantastic, in fact, that I expected your music to sound like an air raid on a zoo. Alas it doesn’t. I checked out your MySpace page and your songs all suck. Which is why I am now officially taking your name away and giving it to a band that rocks. But do not despair. I’ve spent several minutes thinking up names that sum up the sickly, emo-ish priggy-prog drivel you produce. Please feel free to use one:

Wank
Drivel
Insipid
Sweeney’s Children
Old Enough to Grow Beards
Squealer
Lime Green Tibetan Hippy Twat
Hat With Ear Flaps
Two Of Us Wear Glasses
And You Shall Know Us By The Trail Of Tissues
Mouse Cock
Fussy Eaters

If we’re your children, can we get an allowance? Here’s the link…

No. But we will offer you this delicious glass of lemonade we just made. You want some, too, Steven?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 8th, 2009 at 1:51 pm.

  • http://bostodelphia.blogspot.com C. The Impaler

    Gotta say, having given them a listen, Wells is on the side of right in this one instance. Of course this aside was the only item in the whole column where he was actually punching his wit’s weight, but you also gotta credit the guy for not writing “punk rock” anywhere in the entire dispatch.

  • ride1076

    When this band sent me a friend request on Myspace, I accepted without question, which is something I never do otherwise. And you know what? I’m pretty sure I still haven’t given them a listen, and I don’t care. I think it’s because their name is so good that it doesn’t matter if they suck. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just jealous that they didn’t snag the phrase first. And why didn’t you? It’s not like this band’s name is the first time you heard it. KTHANXBAI.

  • schmidtultra

    Who cares what the band name is? Doesn’t that kind of go with judging a book by it’s cover? Either way, I’m into their music. Kill You in the Face in no way is a metal band as some might guess by the name, but the music is catchy with lots of change ups (that don’t sound like garbage). This Steven Wells just seems like a pissed off old man who wants music to be his way. This isn’t Burger King, Steven.

  • http://bostodelphia.blogspot.com C. The Impaler

    But Kill You in the Face is just the sort of music I expect to hear at Burger King, if Burger King were making Starbucks type deals with bands.

  • schmidtultra

    I wish they played something like Kill You in the Face at Burger King. I could totally tap my toes to that while waiting in line for those tasty new breakfast shots.

  • QDogg119

    Mr. Steven Wells…I will call you Susan. It suits you better, and you have already called yourself it once before (Yes I wikied you). Why must you put these musicians down. Because their name does not have any relation to the music they play (in your opinion)? I am sorry to say, but from reading your past, you should not feel this way, Susan.

    For example: Hearing the name Butthole Surfers; one might think that this band will play off the wall, no real sense of style, cheap ass, broke ass, just plain bad music (ALSO REALLY WEIRD SOUNDING TOO). Is that so? Is their song “Hey”, “Matchstick”, “Waiting for Jimmy To Kick”, or “In the Cellar” Heavy whatsoever, Susan? No. The name Butthole Surfers does not sound like a nice band whatsoever, yet their songs are diverse, like any band is supposed to have.

    If you do not wish to give these new and upcoming musicians a chance simply because of their name, you are nothing more than a hypocrite and I am ashamed to call you American. Oh wait, you’re not. HAHA. You are a British journalist that left “school with minimal qualifications”. DUMB-ASS. You had to lie about your name to get a job. That makes me laugh. Anyway… don’t judge a book by its cover. If you don’t like the music, then you have a valid reason for not liking them.

    I like their music. Susan, you should try and like their music…just that.

  • dougwallen

    Someone PLEASE start a band called Mouse Cock. I beg you.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3tG1X5ewAg Blatz

    Here’s an “ethical” response:

    I hear you and I can’t stand his writing style either. His old column from two or three years back used to send me into fits of blustery nausea and rage.

    But for Christ sakes, JS. Have some fucking class, Man.

    The guy is dying and fairly courageously accounted, in rough, savage detail, what may be the last days of his life in last week’s PW.

    Maybe I’m a sucker for honest writing but I thought it was pretty damn brave to put something like that out there.

    Trading sophomoric teenage barbs is one thing, something you and Steven Wells do very well.

    Poking fun of (“bare assed cancer nugget”) someone’s nasty, raging cancer is not only tasteless and petty, it’s pretty soulless.

    Read this again, slowly, and tell me you don’t feel sleazy.
    http://tinyurl.com/c5qs7g

  • the_mayah

    It is unfortunate that someone who might make a living as a journalist (I use that term loosely mr. wells), has to resort to name calling to write an article. Like a little school girl. Next time, can you at least make the name calling funny?
    Let me help clear something up for you Mr. Wells. You are nothing. You will never be anything. There will always be people laughing at you behind your back. People will always laugh at your pathetic attempt to exist.

  • Talliver

    hhaha Doug, I’ll do it! we can open for Brian Wilson next time around heyyyooooooooooooooooo. I’ll fly you in for the show.