Surely, The Hilariously Douchebaggy Rhetoric Of Strongbox Deserves Some Kind Of Award
So, Strongbox is this new bottle-service club opening this weekend at 2029 Walnut, where the old Monkey Bar space used to be. Helmed by the striped-shirt geniuses who brought you such no-fly zones as Pearl and Denim, that “bottle-service” tag should have been the first tip-off that here was a new nightspot by douchebags, for douchebags. (You know, because they have so few places to go in this town.) But alas, it’s not nearly the first tipoff. What follows is an email sent out by the club to prospective members. The bolds are ours.
Subject: A Message From STRONGBOX
Hello and thank you for taking the time to hear our mission.
We have set out to create a place – a nightlife experience – that does not yet exist in this city. At the outset, we realized that the most important element to accomplish the ultimate nightlife experience is not the size of the venue, the lights on the wall, or the complexity of the specialty cocktails. While all of those things are important – and rest assured, we have payed close attention to layout, design and cocktails – they are simply not the MOST important. The single most important factor is, without a doubt……….the people. With that in mind, our venue will be hypersensitive when deciding who will pass through the door each night. While the standards may be higher on a Saturday than a Wednesday, know this: There will always be standards. We understand and champion the notion that our product is very much about who you are standing next to and who you can see from across the room. It’s about knowing that when you arrive, you are at Philadelphia’s elite social ground zero. It’s imperative to provide an atmosphere where our guests feel comfortable networking, flirting and celebrating because of the people they are doing so with. There will be no compromise. Sometimes luxury isn’t about material things but rather the experience. And the luxury of this experience won’t be about the label on the bottle you are drinking but rather the people you are drinking that bottle with.
Tonight welcome to STRONGBOX.
Standards, people. Congratulations, Strongbox: You haven’t even opened your doors yet, and you’re already the Arthur Kade of nightclubs.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Shitbox.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I prefer to drink with people who don’t have a chronic problem with ending sentences in prepositions.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
—With that in mind, our venue will be hypersensitive when deciding who will pass through the door each night.—
WOW. i guess i never go to places that screen you before you get in. i guess i knew they exist, but never seen it so EXPLICITLY conveyed. i wonder if i’d get in.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Weakcocks.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Or Limpcocks. You know, whichevs.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
It’s comforting to know that in these troubled times, Arthur Kade will no longer have to shoulder the expense of traveling to NY or South Beach to be seen with the “right” people.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
“Philadelphia’s elite social ground zero.” — do they not understand that this is a negative phrase?
March 20th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Oh man, this page of comments on Kade’s blog had me in stitches…
http://arthurkade.com/2009/03/19/morning-ritual/#comments
March 20th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
OK, so we are still allowed to call people, grouped by style of dress and drinking locations, “douchebags,” but it was never OK to call another group of people, defined by style of dress and drinking locations, “hipsters?” Got it…thanks…
March 20th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
@citymaps: I see where you’re going with this, and you may have a point, right up until you compare the histories of the terms, respectively: “Hipster” has a literary and social history (see Norman Mailer, et al); “Douchebag,” well, not so much.
March 20th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
We fully expected this story on this site, just sooner and with more comments. Thank you for the publicity.
With respect, we would only ask that you relax on the assumptions you are making and wait until we actually open before you judge what we are doing. In fact, before you evaluate a product, logic would suggest you experience it first. It’s likely your opinions will be the same but it would be great to see this blog exhibit a bit more responsible journalism. As for the incorrect grammar and possible misuse of the term “elite social ground zero” we respectfully disagree. And is that really the point?
If you would like a table reservation, feel free to email us at info@strongboxlounge.com.
Enjoy your weekend,
Strongbox Management
March 20th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
@strongboxlounge
Really?
When your press release is screaming six ways to Sunday that the place will be the peak of Douche Mountain does anyone have to wait and see if you live up to it? The central tenet of your manifesto is that you promise to exclude as many people as possible from your business.
And you have the audacity to chide our “assumptions”? Maybe you should actually read the shit that pours from your fingertips.
And lastly, what the fuck are you even doing sticking up for yourself on Philebrity? Either you’re absolutely deluded and think you can convert someone here into one of your six customers, or you’re so gobsmacked by the idea that some people don’t want the honor of being turned away from your business that you can’t help but try and make more of them.
March 20th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Oh, and opening a luxury bottle service lounge during the height of the greatest economic downturn since the Depression?
Genius!
March 20th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Are we allowed to bring our own bottles of Heaven Hill to Shitbox?
March 20th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Why not just call it “Manayunk”? ….or..New Jersey?
Oh, wait, “Douchebag” has them covered.
March 20th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
And just to be clear, one may be a douchebag entirely regardless of drinking location or style of dress.
March 20th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
I don’t think the rules of grammar are a thing one can “respectfully disagree” with.
Unless that sentence is also just a grammatical f-up, and that’s not what you mean.
Maybe hire a PR person for the next press release?
March 21st, 2009 at 3:29 pm
this place will be out of business by the summer
March 21st, 2009 at 8:42 pm
after reading a couple comment threads on arthurkade.com, i’m nearly positive it’s just the douchebag hipsterrunoff.com.
March 22nd, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Come on Brett, I know you think you are famous and part of an “elite” social network, but being a friend of Arthur Kade and GN Kang doesn’t make you a celebrity. I don’t care if they think of you as “Studio 54,” you a not. You and your crew are just a group of celeb wannabes who do too many lines in your spare time. Also, you cannot “respectfully disagree” that your use of “payed” is incorrect. It is “paid” you moron. Do less coke, or get a dictionary.
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:22 pm
as expat pointed out, defending yourself in the comments section of a blog was pretty stupid. come on now guys, if you really were a class act establishment why would you even bother with defending your unrefined grammar and poor metaphor usage here? come on guys, you basically were asking for this by writing that obnoxious mission statement. haha douchebags
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
For $400, the “service” part of “bottle service” had better be PG-13 code for a handjob.
Although I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on anything that could excise some of the Jersey from Old City.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
haha @ posting in the comments of a gossip blog about ‘responsible journalism’. you might be able to pay thrillist to cover your lounge opening positively, but why expect unpaid reviews or comments to concur? if they really believed all publicity was good publicity they’d just smile when their pals forwarded the post and leave it at that.
it’s borderline to comment on the original blogger’s day-before posting on your club opening (there weren’t a series of disdain-mounting posts, just the standalone), but it’s full blown obnoxiously self-conscious to respond to the comments. IN the comments! why not just email the philebrity people? pretty budget!
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:26 pm
$400 = most expensive handjob EVER.
p.s. I wonder what it takes to get thrown out of Strongbox…?
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
I’m sure it’s easy, if by “thrown out” you mean “denied entry in in the first place.”
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Seriously…You are all haters. Strongbox is in no way affiliated with ArthurKade.com. So stop relating it too him. The people that visit Strongbox are not all “Arthur Kades.” Just like the people who go to Finnegan’s Wake aren’t all a bunch of former frat brothers in sneakers. Strongbox was filled with many reputable, successful, and non-”douche bag” people. You are completely stereotyping Strongbox, bc it isn’t your style or scene, and bc they are trying to set a standard so this club doesn’t turn into another Pearl with no identity taken over by a million different promoters and under-aged college kids puking in the bathroom…or like any other club in Old City that turned into the hip hop clubs from Delaware Ave. There are a lot of people in this city that like to get all dressed up in high fashion clothes, pull up in their fancy cars, and spend the money they’ve worked hard for in order to have VIP treatment and an amazing night out. In addition to G and Denim, Strongbox will finally give Philly a place that is the next best thing to taking the trip to AC/NYC/Miami/Vegas. Philly will never be any of those cities but it is working hard to give Philladelphians a place that is close to it. If you don’t like it don’t knock it, bc there MANY people in this city who have been waiting a long time for this to open and will fully enjoy its exclusivity, amazing music, and GREAT crowd.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Anyone who uses the word hater without irony is a douche bag.
Anyone who likes to dress in “high fashion clothes” while pulling up in their”fancy cars” to pay excessive amounts of money for the “VIP treatment” is a douche bag.
Anyone who thinks Philly is deficient to AC/Miami/Vegas is a douche bag.
And anyone who can’t understand why enjoying Strongbox is akin to being Arthur Kade…is a douche bag.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Philly girl you are a complete joke, Get a life. We all know it is Brett Perloff the owner of strongbox disguising as a girl. Very Creepy