God Now Quite Busy Answering Philebrity’s Prayers To Let All These Shitty Old City Bars To Collapse Under The Weight Of Their Inherent Douchiness
When Cebu in Old City got shut down back in December for offering leg shots, we got a full-body tingle that this could be a harbinger of things to come: Maybe, just maybe, Old City might be nearing the end of its required Urban Douche Cycle, that beast of post-gentrification that swallows neighborhoods whole and makes them unbearable for roughly a decade until nothing is left and then it’s time to start all over again. (See also: South Street, although that’s only part of what happened there, and nowhere near bearing full responsibility for the Day After-ish vibe that now pervades that sad ‘hood.) In any case, here is our logic: For each place in Old City where a shooting, or, say, a five-woman knife fight (classy!) happens, that’s one spot upon which nothing douchey can ever really open again, because that location has blown the dog whistle that only L&I can hear and will therefore be on said location’s ass forevermore. This is one of the only ways, really, that L&I actually works: Cebu, for instance, got candy-striped before that poor dumb girl’s leg even stopped tasting like Cuervo. So, last night, there were two stabbings in the area — the aforementioned five-woman Rock Of Love Bust-Up, which was at Club Fusion, and another stabbing, in an unnamed “lounge on the 100 block of Chestnut.” Barring Eulogy or Zento, we’d be happy to see anything else on that block go. What’s the takeaway here? Keep stabbing, Cheesy Philadelphia — at the rate you’re going, you will have all herded yourselves into Finnegan’s Wake by this time next year.
KYW: Wack, The Knife
February 18th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Up next on the Urban Douche Cycle: Fishtown.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Already in the throes, mang. Already. In. The. Throes.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Isn’t Fusion above Callowhill? Am I wrong for not considering that Olde City.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
@mysteryape: You are correct about Fusion, it’s neither Old City nor NoLibs, tho. It basically belongs to the highway.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I like self-douchestruction.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Just throwing this out there for consideration. What do you believe is the percentage of Finnegan’s patrons who have heard of James Joyce? If it is greater than 30% I think a black hole will form at that location and suck all other douchefactories into its nearly infinite density.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
30%? 30% of the populace-at-large would not get the connection, let alone the patrons who line up at 3rd & Spring Garden.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
You are my density…
And c’mon, Fusion is on 2nd Street. Is KYW trying to hide it by saying American St?
February 18th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
“Barring Eulogy or Zento, we’d be happy to see anything else on that block go.”
I’m tempted to stand up for Triumph here. I’ve spent some non-douchey evenings there, and it doesn’t seem like a likely stabbing spot.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
@Julius Orange: when was the last time you were at Triumph? i was there a few weeks ago, and the staff was as douchey as douchey gets.
i would like to check out the new old city version of Joe’s Peking Duck, across from Triumph.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Philly is now slowly returning to its natural state: 1982.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
They need to SHUT FUSION DOWN!!! They had a murder inside the place in December! People are getting hurt all the time in there! When will this city shut these places down??
Fusion needs to go!
The stabbing in old city was probably “RAIN”
February 18th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Triumph is some nonsense. A good sign that you’re in a douchey place: all the staff are college-aged, and wearing all black. If anything, Triumph is among the worst offenses on the block, because it’s a brewpub that wishes it were the Continental.
February 18th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
@ djlynnabraham, TC: Fair enough. I haven’t been in a few (maybe five? God, where’s this year going?) months. Still like the beer, though.