Everybody Shut Up! Mindy Cohn Jennifer Weiner Has Something To Say About The Future Of Newspapers!
You know, when this blog first started, we made fun of that lamprey on the world of modern fiction Jennifer Weiner because we thought her bougie little trifles were for Philistine cat-loving husbandeaters whom we’d never touch with a ten foot pole, socially, intellectually or, indeed, sexually. But as time has gone on, The World of Weiner has gone on to include so many more things we hate — be it spousal guilting, situation comedy, fake Amazon reviews and on and on — that each time her name pops up in our Inbox, the “HULK SMASH” switch goes off and blood spurts out of our noses. Bearing that in mind, let us consider Weiner’s recent blog entry on the proposed state bailout of Brian Tierney‘s Philadelphia Media Holdings: The premise here is that Weiner should band together with other Enormously Shitty Writers Who Happen To Have Made A Shit-ton Of Money and “bail out” the Inky and DN in return for favorable coverage and the chance to play Miss Piggy to Tierney’s presumed Kermit.
As matron of the arts, here are some things I don’t want to read about: new books by Philip Roth (I prefer the old ones, which were funny). New books by Cormac McCarthy. New books by any male writer [...]
Ugh.
In fact, no more reviews of books by any of the dour, humorless, literary lady-writers. Let them peddle their arid tales of marital angst, suburban anomie, dead or drug-addicted children and their husbands’ enlarged prostates to Oprah magazine.
Seriously I fucking hate you and each breath you take.
No more considerations of gross-out memoirs by middle-aged male journalists detailing their debauchery, drug buys, masturbatory predilections or intestinal outrages. This is not because I’m not interested, but because these books are guaranteed lots of attention elsewhere, and I probably know about them already.
Yeah, you probably do. But have you heard of stomach-stapling, you fucking awful horse?
Also, I have this great idea for a column called Authors: They’re Just Like Us, where the Inquirer can challenge the myth that writers are superhuman glamazons who live on top of some literary Mount Olympus (aka, New York City/Brooklyn/Iowa), emerging only for well-attended, star-studded readings and long boozy lunches with our agents.
Hulk. Smash. Tito, get me a tissue.
JenniferWeiner: Also, I’d Like A Statue Of My Long-Suffering Husband Outside The Inky Building On A Horse And In Flowing Romance Garb – Hey, That Gives Me A GREAT IDEA For A Novel!
February 4th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
No. Jennifer Weiner is neither a Pete nor a Pete. Discuss. And where are we on those the snow-covered-puppyface mobile uploads?
February 4th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I don’t have anything to add, but this post cracked me up on a number of levels. And, casually dropping a “Facts of Life” actress in your headline earned you a gold star. Now, who wants some hot chocolate?
February 4th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Natalie is way cooler than Jen Weiner
February 4th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
OK, I don’t love the latent “we hate you because you’re fat and suburban-looking and therefore we wouldn’t fuck you if you were hiding front row Bruce Springsteen tickets in your vagina” tone you’ve got going on here but I cannot disagree with your assessment that Weiner’s quote “In fact, no more reviews of books by any of the dour, humorless, literary lady-writers. Let them peddle their arid tales of marital angst, suburban anomie, dead or drug-addicted children and their husbands’ enlarged prostates to Oprah magazine.” is mind-blowingly un-self aware. LADY, THAT IS YOUR ENTIRE OEUVRE. PUT A CORK IN IT.
February 4th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
@Clare: With you on that. Her torpid, corpulent existence — both physical and cultural — is something that we regard, as Eric Bogosian once put it, as “icing on the gravy.” A bonus round, if you will.
February 4th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Cork it, indeed- I dare you to find one big enough. Hey, don’t have to love the tone when it comes to someone who says things like (f’reals!), “New books by any male writer.” Christ on a cracker, just off yrself awready.
February 6th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
She definitely has this Rosie O’Donnell vibe to her. Perhaps she’s Rosie’s bitter lost lover :(