Last night, the proprietors of The 700 Club at Second and Fairmount held their annual 700 Awards — an event that is equal parts roast, customer thank-you, drinking contest, pep rally and score-settler. For about a month now, we’ve been talking around the office about how we really need to do a “The 700 is BACK!” post, but last night proved that, though our hearts may have been in the right places, this idea was a misnomer: The 700 never went away. Because just like the neighborhood in which Tracy Stanton and Kurt Wunder staked their nightlife claim some eleven years ago now, the 700 is ever-mutating, and the changes in the air at the 700 this year reflected that rarest of things: A neighborhood bar that, against all odds, just might bridge the generations. In a ceremony that began around 8pm and wound up just after 11pm, a packed crowd in the bar’s upstairs room stood and bore witness to a cast of regulars and barkeeps that made the cast of Cheers look like a giant bunch of pussies. Woody Pase, who recently quit 700 after years of service (but still seems to be on call), shocked the crowd during his speech by donning a fresh tattoo bearing the number “700″ on his inside lip — a revelation that nearly caused pandemonium. Tribute was paid to the dearly departed of the 700 this year, which included early NoLibs settler and longtime Philly music scene advocate Elaine “The Duke” as well as longtime 700 bartender John O’Brien, who famously donned a tie and apron for each shift. And scores were settled during “The Housecleaning Award,” which detailed the failings of estranged 700 employees but, in a stunning upset, was handed to new hire Anders Larson, “because he’s making all your money now, bitches!” (Larson is also frequently, though not too seriously, credited as being “the future of 700,” bringing in some classic mixology and a popular new Sunday night shift into the bar.) And when it came time to award the pinnacle of the 700 honors, “The Paul Williams Award For Achievement In The Field Of Excellence” (given for that regular who spends the most time and money in the bar during that calendar year, as well as embodying the spirit of all things 700), the brotherhood assembled at the front of the room to award, for the eleventh year in a row, its highest honor: A 50-dollar security guard’s blue blazer embroidered with the 700 logo on its pocket. Upon receiving this year’s award, Lager George asked Stanton from the podium: “You mean I’m getting this award for being a drunk?”
“No,” replied Stanton. “You’re getting the award for being THEE drunk!”
“But what about all the other drunks?,” asked Lager George.
Stanton remained firm: “Of all the motherfucking drunks in the world, YOU are the only motherfucking drunk who matters RIGHT NOW.”

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 9th, 2008 at 6:14 pm.