Hi, Larry. As you may have guessed, here at Philebrity, we know a thing or two about being confined to the home for months and months at time; we’ve basically been locked in our home office since we started this site over four years ago. Over that period, we’ve learned a few things, and we’d love to pass them along. All we ask is that you take them under consideration, take it easy, and pay it forward: Sooner or later, someone you know will be under house arrest.

1. Remember that whole “making the mountain come to Mohammed” thing. No, silly! We’re not telling you to study the Koran! (Trust us, the last thing you need right now is to refine your sense of male entitlement.) However, as agoraphobics and crazy rich people know (see the Steve Martin character in last week’s episode of 30 Rock), there is tremendous power in being landlocked to one’s own castle. Use it. Take meetings, but only the right ones. Choose the limited number of interviews you give — Christ, we hope it’s limited, it is limited, right? — wisely. But even more importantly, choose to see mostly those who can help you re-invent yourself in six months. You are a fucking punchline now, Larry, and it will be this way for the rest of your life. But you think you’re the only talking head who’s taken a fall and looked like an enormous jackass in front of the rest of the world? Please, son. Let me whisper some names in your ear: Bill O’Reilly. Rush Limbaugh. Cindy McCain. Andy Dick. Now, I know this isn’t really any kind of party you’d want to be at, but motherfucker, you read and fwded your idiot co-host’s email for like two years. This is the party you are at. As Tim Gunn would say — and you may wanna field some advice from him, too, Cap’n Blowdry — make it work.

2. At least consider smoking some weed every now and then. If you’d been toking in the first place, you might have mellowed the fuck out and may have not ended up in this situation at all! Saying. Plus, you have right now what most men your age would give their left nut for: The chance to be in the house by themselves all day every day for six months, with nothing to do but smoke up and listen to Tales Of Topographic Oceans. You saw American Beauty, right?

3. Commit RIGHT NOW to only consuming porn on DVD. Part of your sentence was “computer monitoring.” You really don’t want yr pron habits leaking out, lest your public image morph from professional saboteur to NBC Dateline joke. I know this sounds crazy, but now might even be a good time to forgo porn altogether and sleep with your wife. Hey, for once, Dawn, you’ve got a captive audience! Literally.

4. Do the opposite of whatever Dan Gross is doing. Because right now, he’s the only person in this whole mess who’s a bigger chump than you. Go ahead, check his site. There’s no humility, no mea culpa, no nothing. In fact, the only thing he’s posted about since the sentence came down was Gary Papa’s cancer. Didn’t he, like, invent this story? Do not erect a wall of silence, Larry. It does not work in this day and age. Look at how this man gets savaged in his own comments. This is America. All people ever want to hear you say is that you’re sorry so that they can feel how awesome they are for forgiving you.

5. Buy an elliptical machine, play a lot of Wii, spend time with your family, and read some heavy shit like Proust or The Art Of War. You’re gonna come out of this thing just being a fucking monster. We can tell already. Keep your head up, son.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 at 1:30 pm.