An Open Letter to William Penn:

Yo Bill! How’s our favorite Quaker? Not sure if you caught the game last night, but our Phils have finally done your city proud. Just a quick note to sincerely apologize for the disrespect over the last 25 years.

First, we build Liberty One, and the one law that was actually followed in this town for generations was broken (i.e. see smoking ban grandfathering…) That pissed you off. We understand.

Adding insult to injury, we placed that disproportioned Phillies hat on your head in 1993. You must have an “in” with The Baseball Gods, because we were dramatically denied the championship. I don’t blame you. I can’t imagine wearing a baseball cap that is twice the size of my actual head. Not cool.

Then, in 1996 we put that Flyers Jersey on you for the Stanley Cup Finals. It fit better, but you still didn’t look happy in it. Suddenly, the proud founder of our city had become, for all intents and purposes, the municipal Barbie doll. We probably lost because, honestly, who knows how long you would have to wear that thing had we won? And plus, Ed Rendell probably needed a jersey, and that is probably the only one that would fit him. Understood.

After the jump, Chuck finally comes clean about The Curse. Let the healing begin.

Speaking of Ed, let’s not even mention the insult of having terrible string of mayors that you had to deal with in that building and stinking up the place. Goode dropping bombs, Street and his Blackberry. But now we got Nutter, and you must be pleased about that. The brother can rap.

You heard the echo people pointing and making fun of you from 15th and Cherry, remarking how it appeared that you had a mighty boner. You pretended not to listen, but we know in the middle of the night, a small tear slowly came down your face.

Finally we got smart. Comcast actually got something right. Although you are reduced in size, they put you back where you belong, on top of the tallest building in the city. By the way, I’ve always wanted a mini-me… how does that feel?

So now, as you proudly once again look over all the buildings, you see a city of winners. You are redeemed, and so now are we. Don’t worry, we will never dress you up again. We will not make fun of your boner. We are forever indebted to you, William Penn. You are our founder. You are the man. And The Phillies are World Champions.

Thank you,
Chuck Garrity
30 October 2008

Chuck Garrity is a full time healthcare information technology consultant, a part time writer, and bad guitar player. He’ll also come see your band if you give him a free cd to lose. He currently lives with his family in Mickleton NJ, but his heart is buried somewhere between Broad and Pattison.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 30th, 2008 at 4:37 pm.