We Now Take You To Our Previously Scheduled Programming, Already In Progress…
PRESS CONFERENCE · EVENING OF OCTOBER 27, 2008
BUD SELIG, COMMISSIONER, MLB: I, um, regret to inform you all that, um, this evening’s game has been, um, suspended. Due to the, um… rain.
REPORTER #1: Can you tell us a little bit about the decision-making that went into that?
SELIG: Well, sure, um. Ya see, it’s raining. And when it, um, rains — excuse me, I’d like a drink of water — um, thanks, but like I was saying, when it rains, and it, um, certainly is raining now, and, um, looks like it could be for a good long while now, it gets more and more difficult to, um, play ball.
REPORTER #1: Thanks, but I’m looking for some more specifics–
SELIG: Well, um, what happened was, as you know Tim McCarver and Joe Buck control baseball. I’m, um, just a figurehead. Anyway, McCarver and Buck’s focus group thingy or whatever it’s called determined that the rest of America pretty much hates Philadelphia, and that for the Phillies to win this thing would be, um, bad for baseball. Or, perhaps I should say, um, bad for Major League Baseball. So we had the Air Force seed the clouds and produce a pretty virulent, um, Nor’easter. It’s gonna be raining through March 2009 here, I’m told.
REPORTER #2: Before I ask my question, I feel compelled to say, that is pretty wild… but not shocking. And on behalf of the national press corps, Mr. Selig, I’d like to commend you on seeing this thing through. After we all realized that this World Series wasn’t gonna be Manny Ramirez versus the Red Sox, all of us guys down here debated on just not covering the thing at all. But this whole new Air-Force-cloud-seeding/God-hates-Philadelphia angle is actually something we can really sink our teeth into. So thank you. My question, then, is this: What are your contingency plans? When will play resume?
SELIG: After consulting with Buck, McCarver, Karl Rove, John McCain and Chris Wheeler, we’ve, um, determined that we will resume play when conditions most favor the Tampa Bay Rays.
REPORTER #2: Yes, of course, but will play resume in Philadelphia?
SELIG: Unfortunately, it will have to. A group of Philadelphia fans have circled the stadium here, and while we have been lucky enough to arrange for a Black Hawk helicopter to remove myself, Buck and McCarver from left field in the dead of the night, I’m afraid the Rays have not been so lucky because, um, look, c’mon: These guys are a dogshit podunk team that we’ve propped up just for shits and giggles. They can’t afford helicopters! Get real! They’ll be lucky if they get out of here before Thanksgiving.
REPORTER #2: And will that last Rays run count, even though that would be interpreted as contrary to rules of Major League Baseball itself, and would be yet another black eye on MLB?
SELIG: Yes. Any further questions?
October 28th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Of note: Hole Camels is now unable to pitch, and the Phils will send out the pen to start. The Rays, on the other hand, are sending out the ‘pen’ in David Price, their prized starter that was called up from the minors to toss some mid relief.
That seems directly in line with:
‘SELIG: After consulting with Buck, McCarver, Karl Rove, John McCain and Chris Wheeler, we’ve, um, determined that we will resume play when conditions most favor the Tampa Bay Rays.’
Well my friends, we’ve already hit that point. MLB and FOX have thrown away a Hamels start, and given the Rays ‘reliver’ a chance to get the job done. It’s playing into the Rays strength, which has been their starting pitching depth and team speed.
October 28th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Fuck Bud Selig! If they were going to give the benefit of hitting in those shitty conditions to the Rays in the 6th the same should have been awarded to us.
October 29th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
wow-my thoughts EXACTLY.
i was AT part 1 of game 5 and am attending part 2 tonight. before the start of the fourth inning with gloves on- our hands were numb from the cold (as most likely we will be tonight) and we couldn’t see due to the whipping freezing rain sprayed into our eyes-i genuinely have no idea how the players were able to play like that as long as they did.
all i know is that if they thought philly was going to go apeshit when we won the other night they better consider serious police reinforcements if we *lose* tonight-after being cheated like that the rioters will probably make this town look like the apocalypse….or hey maybe not-sadly we’re used to losing.
personally i don’t believe in god or a curse or a jinx.i’ve got to keep the faith and believe we are winning it tonite-see no evil, hear no evil speak no evil and definitely think no evil!