We know we say things like this all the time with a tongue firmly planted in cheek, but this time, we really mean it: The Inquirer reached a new all-time low yesterday when it endorsed Barack Obama, only to then temper its endorsement with another endorsement of John McCain. You know, just in case you wanted both, or either. For anyone who’d ever been wanting evidence for just how tone deaf and self-defeating an enterprise the Inky really is, here it was, in plain English. However, what wasn’t in plain English was the McCain psuedo-endorsement; laden with McCain stump-speech talking points, it is a masterwork of sinister double-speak. Night is day, black is white. This is most likely attributable to the fact that this shitshow in particular has all the markings of what regular readers of this site have come to know as The Brian Tierney Pentagram of Doom, a black hole of the human spirit where many facets of public life swirl together in a vortex of spiritual doom and damnation. All who enter here, die. Since the editorials have run yesterday, we’ve heard from a lot of you: Some of you are angry, some of you are confused. Below, we plug this masterwork of fuckery into words most of us can understand. We warn you now, though: What’s being said here is not pretty.

Another view: McCain the stronger candidate

The Editorial Board’s endorsement of Barack Obama was not unanimous. Dissenters said:

A coupla years ago, a crazy, self-loathing megalomaniac Catholic asshole bought this paper. So for now, what he says goes. We’re not sure how long it will be before he and the brass default on their loans and this paper becomes the property of a bank — or even if there will still be a paper by then — so while we’d like to say that we apologize for this shoot-ourselves-in-the-foot intrusion and hang in there and bear with us, we know better. As an editorial staff, we’ve just been forced to let this guy corpsefuck us.

No one is better prepared than John McCain to serve as commander in chief and lead the country as it seeks successful outcomes in both Iraq and Afghanistan, and to work with Pakistan to help kill or capture the perpetrators of 9/11.

John McCain is white. John McCain is a human ribbon magnet you can slap on your trunk in the hopes that every problem of the modern world will go away, but that everyone who drives behind will instantly gather that you are a complete fucking moron with no sense whatsoever of the subtlety and nuances of the issues that have brought America to its knees in the last eight years. Did we mention that John McCain is white?

McCain’s actions as a POW in Vietnam were heroic.

And he will always hate the gooks.

In Congress, he has become intimately familiar with the strengths and weaknesses of the Pentagon.

Because he is synonymous with a perpetually jammed-up, archaic system that simply cannot work anymore, but sucks energy and life force nonetheless. Now is probably a good time to tell you also that the words “Sarah Palin” and “lobbyist” do not appear in this endorsement. Truth serum: He’s only put his dick in one, that we know of.

The Arizona senator has stood up to generals and presidents from Reagan to Bush on defense issues. He often offers sound alternatives, such as the counterinsurgency strategy that has brought greater security and stability to Iraq.

This motherfucker is so lost he doesn’t even know who he is anymore. Also, John McCain is white.

Just the possibility of McCain in the White House chills the spines of pork-barrel spenders in both parties. And McCain understands that raising taxes to “spread the wealth” is not a form of patriotism, but a burden – to Joe the plumber and other Americans trying to make ends meet.

Like hipsters, “pork-barrel spenders” do not really exist. It’s basically an empty term to make the uneducated think that things are this one very simple way in an effort to hoodwink these contemptible masses out of their votes. Mix this with the very dangerous gambit of throwing the term “socialist” out to said contemptible, uneducated masses, and you’ve got the next best thing to what we’d really like to do here, which is photoshop Obama with Bin Laden’s beard and turban. Is that what they call those things, a turban?

A President McCain would work across the political aisle. He’s done it before, often angering fellow Republicans. And his character is unassailable.

Typo: A President McCain would use a walker to get across the political aisle. He’s done it before, often angering fellow Republicans who detest his weird Ben-Gay smell. And his Wilford Brimley character impersonation is unassailable.

The selfless and courageous way he conducted himself during 51/2 years as a POW says much about the man.

The selfish and cowardly way he has conducted himself since the beginning of this campaign has been even more soul-crushing to him and all in his path than the 51/2 years he spent as a POW.

He’s made mistakes, such as the Keating scandal during the savings and loan crisis, but he’s more than atoned for that error with his work on campaign-finance reform. That issue alone shows two other things about McCain: He’ll go against his party if he thinks it’s in the best interests of the country. And his word is good. He promised to stick with public financing of this year’s campaign and did so.

Do not let this dude anywhere near your money.

Ask people to describe McCain and the first response often is, “He’s honest.” What you see is what you get. There are no mysterious associations to dance around. No 20-year attendance of a church whose pastor preached anti-American sermons. No serving on an education reform panel with a domestic terrorist. No financial support from a convicted felon. No ties to a group currently under investigation for possible voter-registration fraud.

John McCain is a lying liar with desperate associations to the most radical elements of the Christian and pro-life right. He has created a campaign wherein racism and intolerance are bubbling under the surface, both allowed and quietly encouraged to fester, not realizing that this bitterness is largely generational. If allowed to continue, it could produce a more dangerous social climate in America than any time since the 1960s.

And McCain didn’t hire as a strategist David Axelrod, who helped lead Mayor John Street’s race-baiting reelection campaign.

WHITE! You heard me, asshole! HE’S WHITE! COME ON! WHAT THE FUCK MORE DO YOU NEED? WE ARE DYING OVER HERE! COME ON!

America needs an honest president with experience, common sense, sound temperament and good judgment in the Oval Office. Those qualities will make it easy for many to vote for McCain.

I’m Brian Tierney, and I approve this message.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 20th, 2008 at 11:43 am.