Teetering between genuine humor and weird racial tension, heeeeeeere’s Philadelphia! Wait, no, it’s the Uncyclopedia entry on Philadelphia. Today, we came across this for the first time. Uncyclopedia is a humor wiki, which, as the phrase “humor wiki” implies, veers wildly between some things that are actually quite funny, and some that, well, push some pretty sensitive buttons. Yet together, this portrait of Bizarro Philadelphia seems to gel into something that kind of reflects how a lot of people, both Philadelphians and people from away, view this city.
We’re really not sure how we feel about this entry. It’s probably the whole wiki thing – even though they say they edit entries or remove them if they’re not funny, it doesn’t really do much for us, humor-wise, to read that black people live in North Philly. So what? But the entry on Kevin Bacon being only six degrees away from God? Pretty good…
And if we’re confused about this, whatever will be the Philadelphia Police Department‘s reaction to their entry? Here’s a teaser: “How gay would you go for Frank Rizzo? Be descriptive.”
After the jump, reasons for appreciation and confusion both.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is a large murder capital that was built on the ruins of another, much nicer city which was demolished by ancient Greek colonists in 1207. The destruction was swift and widespread largely because the city was built with grease, cream cheese, and lies.
Kevin Bacon – Philadelphia is the birthplace of Kevin Bacon, who was in Animal House with John Belushi, who overdosed in the fetal position at the Chateau Marmont Hotel, modeled after the Chateau Amboise in France, which was the home of Mary, Queen of Scotch, a whisky made from water and barley, which were both created by God. Hence, Philadelphia is God’s favourite city.
2nd Street – Also known as Two Street. If you call it 2nd street, you’re a terrorist. Quite popular with out-of-towners for its convenient existence as I-95.
SEPTA controls the city’s homeless population, buses, trolleys, major business conglomerates, Man Man, subways, scrapple production, and some trains.
Funny but vaguely hateful selection:
Old City – …At night this mediocre tourist trap for families is transformed into a mediocre nightlife trap for girls from New Jersey with bad hair. Do not approach them. They all have herpes. Every single one.
Pretty much just vaguely hateful selections:
North Philadelphia – What’s there to say about North Philadelphia? It successfully became synonymous with black people and it’s now the area you don’t want to park your car in or drive through at
Kensington – Okay, I’ve lied. North Philadelphia is not only synonymous with black people. It is also synonymous with Irish people. Kensington Avenue (especially where it meets Alleghany Avenue) is a great place to pick up hookers. Or get shot. Watch out for the angry drunk Irishmen and Puerto Ricans there. Aren’t we a great city? Stereotypes, sex and violence. In defense of North Philadelphia, those Center City minivan moms can get pretty violent as well. Along with those Mercedes driving rich guys who nearly hit me that one time because they don’t understand the concept of a traffic light.
See what we mean?