ARIES: So, we’re still all feeling the transforming effects of the total eclipse of the sun two Fridays ago, which could have been either awesome or traumatic or some combination of both, depending on what else is going on in your life. Some other shit is supposed to happen astrologically on Wednesday that will put us into an era of People Being Crazy until the full moon on the 16th, which probably isn’t going to stop anyone from being crazy. If you take all of this into account along with my theory that August is just generally a creepy month, Aries, you should be sure to take all of your meds, stock up on groceries, make sure all of your bills are paid, rent a bunch of movies, disconnect your internet, and cease interaction with others as completely as possible until like… October, because September is supposed to be a rough one as well. Don’t try to fix or change any of this. You can’t. Just flip into survival mode immediately and stay there until things blow over. And survival in this case does not mean “buy illegal firearms.”



TAURUS: Your month, courtesy of MoonCat’s Mental Meow-O-Scopes: “You will suddenly have loads of money, but no one will care what you want or even understand you when you speak. Your demands are ridiculous, face it. All your fast-food orders will be wrong. You will starve.” Oh, man, that’s funny. Can you image a frustrated Taurus uncontrollably speaking gibberish at a fast food window? I told you to stop mumbling! But don’t worry, Taurus, no one’s picking on you and you alone this time. These same horoscopes tell Cancer to go talk to small children until they feel big again and tell Gemini to get a job.



GEMINI: Does anyone remember anything about the Vincent Gallo film The Brown Bunny other than the part where Chloe Sevigny gives Vincent Gallo a blow job? Probably not, because just like everything else Aries Vincent Gallo has ever done with himself, the rest of the film is a long, slow Onan sesh. Oh, wait, but this (direct cut and paste from The Brown Bunny Wikipedia entry) is kind of funny: “A war of words then erupted between Gallo and film critic Roger Ebert, with Ebert writing that The Brown Bunny was the worst film in the history of Cannes, and Gallo retorting by calling Ebert a ‘fat pig with the physique of a ‘slave trader.’ Ebert then responded, paraphrasing a statement attributed to Winston Churchill, that ‘one day I will be thin, but Vincent Gallo will always be the director of The Brown Bunny.’ Gallo then claimed to have put a hex on Ebert’s colon, cursing the critic with cancer. Ebert then replied that enduring his colonoscopy would be more entertaining than watching The Brown Bunny. Gallo, afterward, stated that he had been misquoted and that the hex had actually been placed on Ebert’s prostate, and that the whole thing had been meant as a joke which was misinterpreted by a reviewer.” Ebert: Gemini. That’s why. This week, Gemini, do not take bait like this. Some arguments are not worth having.



CANCER: Actress Keira Knightley has recently received a lot of press for refusing to allow the producers of her new movie, The Duchess, to photoshop bigger boobs onto her likeness in the film’s publicity photos. Proudly part of the itty bitty titty committee, Knightley has been commenting publicly on the digital enhancement of her breasts for awhile, making sure that the world understands that she does not actually look like some of the more voluptuous pictures of herself. It’s funny, because while we all know that a lot of the images of models and actors we’re bombarded with in the media are not necessarily accurate representations of what these people actually look like, you rarely hear the actors themselves complaining about it, probably because they look “better” afterwards. Here’s hoping that not only Ms. Knightley’s stand spawn a Hollywood trend, but that you Cancers are paying attention to the message behind it this week: This is who I am. Fuck y’all if you think you can make something better out of it than I can.



LEO: Newly-minted Leo and son of the ever-shirtless Matthew Mcconaughey, Levi Alves was born earlier this month to proud mama Camila Alves after a grueling 60 hours of labor. Sixty hours! Sometimes, when I hear stories about having babies, I think that “labor” is not the right word for what happens. Like some man decided that the hardest thing there was in the world was “labor” and after seeing someone have a baby, was like, “Holy shit that looks like it sucks! It might even suck as much as pushing a plow and butchering the pigs” and bestowed this title on the blood and contractions and screaming that we understand to be giving birth. Haha, men. This week, Leo, male or female, you are a gender sleuth. You become preoccupied with the differences between the sexes and why they are the way they are. Nothing is above scrutiny. It all comes from somewhere. Your job is to dig up some concrete examples, and also to read The Flounder by Gunther Grass.



VIRGO: Okay, Virgos. Your job this week is to watch this until it gets funny. The universe demands that you laugh at farting as penance for all of your wrongs.



LIBRA: Oh man. This ad for a cat that needs a home has “Libra” written all over it. “Hi, I was drinking, and decided to take in a stray cat… again.” I’m laughing with you.
   


SCORPIO: Here are some fun instructions on how to charge your sigil through video games. We’ll see you in about six months, Scorpio.



SAGITTARIUS: So, I was just reading this recent and awesome New York Times Magazine article by my old boss, buddy, and park companion Mattathias “Sam” Schwartz and thinking about how it applied to us regardless of whether or not we make a hobby of trolling on the internet. The major idea that stuck out at me was the description of a troll as a sort of natural predator, preying on the weak for the overall good of the herd. I could be convinced to buy that on a theoretical level, but you’d have to really believe in the Internet as the last possible frontier for human beings to self-regulate like this, and even then… I mean, congratulations, you’re a world-renowned Internet troll. How glorious could the life of an Internet troll possibly be? Relax, kid! Get some sun! Do some calisthenics! Read some Guy Davenport! Have sex with a person! Go to the Olive Garden! It doesn’t really have to be your own personal jihad if someone else is being dumb on your bandwidth, because you can always just turn the fucking thing OFF. Remember? This week, Sagittarius, it’s all about the re-frame. The things that you think are important look completely different if you tilt your head and squint a little. Other required reading: Ron Rosenbaum’s article on representing dissenting opinions.



CAPRICORN: Back-to-school season looms, Capricorn, and finds you dusting off your pencil case and shopping for a new Trapper Keeper just like you used to do when you were nine. Conscientious and fond of routine, assembling your pro gear is just something you just never stopped doing regardless of how long it’s been since you’ve set foot in a classroom. No one will ever fault you for being prepared, Capricorn, but it might be a good time to sit down and assess how many of the ritualistic habits you’ve kept from childhood hold actual value in your adult life. You’re addicted to the Afrin, so you might not want to quit that just yet, and there’s really no way to get you to stop apologizing to everyone who crosses your path just for existing, but maybe there’s something else. Something little. Something you’d never miss. Not Q-tips or anything, more like your loyalty to that one brand of gin or that Cover Girl powder compact you’ve been repurchasing since you were fourteen. Shake things up a bit this week. You’ll still be you when you’re done.



AQUARIUS: Whoa. This website is basically an auction block for people who want to sell their hair to craftspeople. What’s most striking about it is the lengths (hardy har) to which these folks go to prove that Their Hair is Good Hair: “I drink a lot of water.” “I don’t smoke.” “My background is a cross of Indian and Hispanic.” “Only serious offers will be considered from $1500 up.” “It kills me that I am chopping off my hair, but I am majoring in automotive and it’s extremely hazardous to have long hair.” “Only natural shampoos and conditioners, always combed with a wide-tooth comb.” “I am 71 years old. A widow and on Social Security.” And it goes on and on. I was amazed mostly at the qualifications given for “good hair,” most of which I would not have understood to be factors in selling it until I stumbled across this website. So here’s my burning question for this week, Aquarius: If you were going to sell a part of yourself, how would you market it?



PISCES: There is no advice more unsatisfying than the advice you hear repeatedly, didn’t disagree with the first time, and still find impossible to follow. “Make time for myself? Stop thinking about other people so much? Can’t you come up with something that actually within my nature?” is the plaintive cry of Pisces everywhere this week. You’re right, of course. If we can’t do that, to what purpose are we giving advice? So here, I’ll tell you something you can do. Watch this. Think about the collective pain and anguish of everyone you know. Think about it until you can’t stand it anymore. Then dress it up in a big old fur coat in a smoky dive and celebrate it for being real and having style and giving you something to do with yourself. Make something about it. Give us something we can feel, too, Pisces.



Loren Hunt is a writer living in Philadelphia who has channelled your spirit animal through a mixture of high-grade medical marijuana and khat, the drug that has brought Yemen to its knees. More of Ms. Hunt’s writing can be found here; please, she does not want to be disturbed. Direct your queries regarding your horoscope to tips[at]philebrity[dot]com and they will be duly forwarded. Ms. Hunt’s horoscopes shall appear each Monday on Philebrity.







This entry was posted on Monday, August 11th, 2008 at 11:06 am.