It’s that time of year again, folks: PhillyMag “Best Of Philly” time. The issue just hit newstands, and in advance of a week’s worth of watercooler convos you’re going to have to act like you’re involved in, we’ve once again taken the hit, read the thing, and given you the Cliff Notes so you can get back to reading, oh, I don’t know, this. After the jump, we peruse, so you can act like you know. Enjoy!

· Opening spread: Philadelphia Magazine reminds you that Best of Philly — hereafter referred to as “BOP,” as in Kidz Bop or “Mmm Bop” — began in 1974, the last time the magazine was relevant to people who lived on this side of City Avenue. We promise we won’t harp on this; at this point, this fact even bores us, and that’s saying something.

· This year, BOP is edited by presumed short-straw-draw-ers Christine Speer and April White, which only gives credence to our longstanding theory that older males on the PhillyMag staff consider BOP beneath them. I’m sorry, Larry, but it’s not. It just is not. This shit is putting your kids through school. At least have the dignity to show up.

· A word about the illustration style of this year’s BOP: Supposedly kitschy, 1974-ish (getting back to the roots, doncha know), but really, just bad. If you popped off this shit at Urban Outfitters, Red Tettemer, or Gyro, the powers that be would make sure you never worked in this town again. Unless it was at Star Group or something.

· Food & Drink: Props go to 10Arts’ Jennifer Carroll, Lacroix gets its annual nod for something, and on this, we absolutely must agree: Zahav nabs Best New Restaurant in the City. Bravo!

· Some intramural Tastykake March Madness charticle, nobody fucking cares.

· The rest of the food stuff seems pretty much by the advertisers numbers. The gang is all here.

· Shopping & Style: Now’s the time for BOP to really shine! Er, no. Jesus, this is too annoying to even read, much less blurb. Next!

· Service: Wait, isn’t this all service? Shout-outs to Bundy Computer (we really do love Bundy, seriously) and some excercise charticle that must have been lifted from Redbook (do they still make that?).

· Kids: As if you needed to be reminded that PhillyMag readers breed. Gross. Oh, but this is useful: A breakout section of restaurants where you actually can take your kids and not get the stink eye. Parents of Philadelphia, if we catch you and your mouth-breathing germ-guns in any place but these places, we’re going to scream “meningitis.” On a related note, good to know you, Vietnam Restaurant. Damn.

· Fun and Games: As if you would trust PhillyMag with your fun.

· People and Power: Here we go. Best local radio show is Funky Friday on WXPN, which is frankly mindboggling, as actual funk music is seldom played on this. We love XPN, but Funky Friday makes us cringe just about every time. We even sent them an mp3 of William DeVaughn’s “Be Thankful For What You Got (1980 Disco Edit)” recently (true story), and still got no love.

· You kind of have to see the one-page photo of the staff of Style Of Man to believe it.

· Best Philadelphian: Mary Seton Corboy of Greensgrow Farm. Props is due!

· Best blog: Attytood. Um, really? On the other hand, this is from the people that brought you The Daily Examiner, Philly’s leading shell of a blog. Saying.

· Best Metro Columnist: Monica Yant Kinney. Seems about right.

· There’s also a lot of stuff hiding out in the jump pages, like Ron Johnson of Standard Tap nabbing Best Bartender and Fiume nabbing Best Dive. But mostly, it’s snoozeville. You know the part in “Panic” where Morrissey sings, “Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ, because the music they constantly play, it says nothing to me about my life?” This is kind of the magazine version of that. Philebrity Awards, here we come.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 29th, 2008 at 2:53 pm.