Boo? Fuck You. No, Wait: Boo. It’s Definitely Boo.
After the jump, Tony Carpenter improves on the All-Star Game. Makes it his “boo,” you could even say.
It’s the day after the All-Star Game, and I am glad and slightly ashamed to admit to having watched the entire 15-inning marathon of a game. I cannot say that I watched the entire home-run derby, because even as a huge sports fan, I have my limits. The Home Run Derby Is Just Too Fucking Long. Sure, home runs are exciting and watching some of the best hitters in the game hit them is very entertaining for about 10 minutes, and then it gets pretty tedious. However, being the ever-helpful sports fan that I am, I’ve come up with a few ways to make this contest slightly more interesting and much, much shorter:
· First, you take the 4 guys that have the most home runs in baseball and make them the contestants. Eight is too many. It’s a joke that Ryan Howard, the Home Run and RBI leader, was not invited to the contest to begin with. There you go: It’s now shorter, but still not very interesting past the first couple of minutes.
· Secondly: Assign more points for the distance of the home run.
· Then, set up a series of targets in the outfield and in the stands that score bonus points for the hitter when hit with a ball.
· Fireworks or dancing girls with fireworks shooting out of them. I don’t know which, I’m a big-picture guy, not a detail guy.
· Lastly, assign 100 bonus home runs if the ball takes out one of those irritating rugrats scampering around the outfield trying to catch balls. They should be required to wear bullseyes on their backs. Oh, and fireworks should shoot out of them, too.
Hurry up and buy this before you forget it ever happened.
Now that we have improved the Home Run Derby so that someone other than the mothers of the contestants can stand to watch it for more than 10 minutes, let’s move on to the All Star Game itself. I have to admit that I am not a fan of All Star games in any sport, especially when they happen in the middle of the season. It’s distracting from the season, requires key players to expend unnecessary energy, and breaks up the ebb and flow of the season. Football is the only sport that has it right by having the Pro-Bowl after the season has finished. That said, here’s what we do with the All-Star Game to truly make it one of Baseball’s Most Shining Moments:
· Move the All Star Game to after the conclusion of the World Series, put it somewhere warm like Puerto Rico, and send me there in order take notes on possible further improvements.
Next is the matter of, once again, shortening the event. Last night, while certainly longer than usual, was an example of why they need to cut down on the length. I understand that last night was a very special All-Star Game, as it was the last to be played in Yankee Stadium but I don’t understand why this means that we have to trot out every single Hall of Fame player who was willing to show up to the game, take 2 hours to introduce them and play a video montage of their career, all the while having to endure the overly dramatic music and syrupy sentimentalism of the broadcast team. It took forever to introduce the teams and all I wanted to see was if Chase Utley was going to get booed again, and if he would say “Fuck You” to New York again. Sadly, Chase was not booed so he didn’t have a reason to tell NY to go fuck itself. I guess if you want something done you have to do it yourself: Fuck You, New York!
And while we’re at it, Uggla, well, fuck you, too.
But I digress. There’s not much that can be done about the All-Star Game going 15 innings and taking 5 hours to play, but there are a few more changes that in my opinion, could greatly improve the “Mid-Summer Classic.”
· Keeping in mind that its probably going to be a long game, they should play it on a weekend, and start it during the day. That way, if it is a 15 inning marathon, you don’t have to be up until almost 2am watching it. Why not start it on Saturday at 5pm? Even if it lasts 5 hours, which is not the norm, it will still be over by 10:00.
· Get rid of the rule that assigns home field advantage to the winner of the game. If it’s supposed to be an exhibition, it shouldn’t have any impact on something as important as The World Series. Especially considering that we are forced to endure inter-league play since all that needs to be done is to assign home field advantage to the side that wins more games during inter-league play. This would allow the managers and players to play a little more loosely and have more fun with the game. Attaching artificial importance to a trivial event is never a good idea. Removing the artificial importance of the game could open up a world of opportunity for entertainment.
· Instead of having to come up with drinking games to enhance the enjoyment of the game, which I am sure people are doing anyway, have the players drink while they play. That way, beer companies wouldn’t need to take up so much of our time by running endless ads, they could have the ultimate in product placement. Of course, you would have to impose a 3 drink minimum per player, per inning to keep things fair. Impose mandatory drinks for things like striking out, committing an error, and excessive package adjustments. This would really add to the entertainment value, especially of extra inning games.
· Lastly, but most importantly, if this is truly to be an All-Star game, let’s up the ante by not just tolerating “star” behavior but also openly encouraging it. The umpires should turn a blind eye to all things normally banned from games like corked bats, scuffed balls, and Pete Rose.
Are you with me, baseball fans? The possibilities are endless.
Tony Carpenter’s “The Sportin’ Life” now appears on Philebrity each Wednesday.
