Your Future, YouTube Edition
After the jump, Loren Hunt peers into the greatest cosmic zeitgeist truth-telling device of our time. What she finds there may frighten and amaze you. Or, it could be a clip from Steel Magnolias. For the heavens say what they will.
ARIES:
Don’t you go trying this at home, Aries.
TAURUS:
Why is Lily Tomlin looking at you like that, Taurus? It’s just the truth!
GEMINI: Geminis love a party. Well, part of them does. The other part would rather be doing almost anything else, including but not limited to cleaning toilets and helping someone else move. This is the curse of duality, but also the blessing. Geminis also love a Volkswagen. They’re economical yet stylish, sturdy but cute, and there are enough different styles to switch them up every few years when they get bored and still have the satisfaction of eventually collecting them all. Geminis are on the fence about the opposite sex and Nick Drake. If you can’t satisfy yourself thoroughly this week, Gemini, take heart in the knowledge that you can still get pretty damn close.
CANCER:
Cranky, much?
LEO: In need of a little catharsis, Leo? I strongly recommend this movie, which you can watch in its entirety on YouTube. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. Except maybe reading A Day No Pigs Would Die. Or The Yearling, that one was intense as shit too. And it’s not just because I’m a sap. It’s amazing how much sadder and more fucked up the stuff meant for kids is than its adult counterparts. Or maybe it’s sadder because it’s happening to kids. And their pets. Either way, if you need a fix this week, you know where to find them.
VIRGO:
And to think they said you were boring.
LIBRA:
Someday, your Serge will come.
SCORPIO: Ever done this? Yeah, I thought so.
SAGITTARIUS: I’m pretty sure that anyone with, you know, parents or contact with the world of reality understands that this is not a reasonable facsimile of life or how it is supposed to go down. As a mutable (i.e. pragmatic) fire (i.e. inspiration-driven) sign, few Sagittarians will be able to resist applying their formidable problem-solving skills to this conundrum, somehow convinced that it is thoroughly possible to turn their unique life into what had been, until they came along, pure fantasy. This is a dangerous game, of course, and Sagittarians would not have it any other way. The biggest risk with games like these is far more prosaic than the larger-than-life heartbreak that often comes with playing a loaded round with your own idealism: That you will miss what is actually there and valuable in its own right. This is your week to not be an asshole, Sag. The 25th Anniversary Diamonds are the last thing you should be concerned with right now.
CAPRICORN:
You don’t have to have any respect for post 80s David Bowie to feel this video if you’re a Capricorn. This is pretty much the inside of your head.
AQUARIUS:
Slick shoes? Are you crazy?
PISCES:
Awwww. I was laughing up until the very end where you see how little he is.
Loren Hunt is a writer living in Philadelphia who has channelled your spirit animal through a mixture of high-grade medical marijuana and khat, the drug that has brought Yemen to its knees. More of Ms. Hunt’s writing can be found here; please, she does not want to be disturbed. Direct your queries regarding your horoscope to tips[at]philebrity[dot]com and they will be duly forwarded. Ms. Hunt’s horoscopes shall appear each Monday on Philebrity.
