“Tell Me How My Ass Tastes,” And Other Delights
After the jump, Tony Carpenter wonders why anybody at all still has a job.
HE STILL HAS A JOB?: The mummified remains of radio personality Don Imus (pictured at right) stuck its skeletal foot in its mouth again on Monday, making what seemed to be racist comments about Adam “Don’t call me Pacman” Jones. The comments come just months after the “Nappy Headed Hoes” comment that got him fired from his previous job. (Seems like ages ago, no? Time flies when you’re having schadenfreude.) Imus said yesterday that he meant to say that Jones was being unfairly targeted by police due to him being African American. That’s probably the first funny thing Imus has said in 20 years. If you listen to the audio of the comments, which I’m sure everyone in the universe has by now, it’s pretty clear what he meant to say, and it wasn’t a comment on social injustice and racial unity. So here we are again: Do we need to rehash the overwhelming reasons to put old Don out to pasture? Okay, sure. Imus: A) hasn’t been relevant in decades, B) is clearly out of touch with reality, C) if left on the radio will inevitably be in the news again taking up valuable air time in which I could be learning about more important “news” issues such as Britney’s sister’s baby and who Paris Hilton is fucking. In the meantime, Pacman issued a statement in which he said that he will pray for Imus, at least until he gets the chance bust a cap in his ass. The more I think about this, the more this seems like a well orchestrated PR stunt by Jerry Jones in order to make the 6 time arrestee and still officially suspended indefinitely Pacman Jones come off as the good guy. This is probably the only scenario that could make that happen.
TIME TO PANIC?: The Phillies have now lost 6 in a row after losing to the Oakland A’s last night, bringing them to 3-10 in their last 13 games. They can’t seem to do the things that made them so good in May, and are now in danger of losing what was once a commanding lead on the division. The natives are getting restless, and panic is starting to set in. Groan. The good news is that the starting rotation has continued to pitch well, and the bullpen is still overachieving. The problem has been that the offense is not producing runs, and key players like Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins haven’t been their usual dominant selves. But I’m calling “fluke.” Everyone take a collective deep breath and relax: Better to have this losing streak now than in September or October. That being said, if this continues much longer and the pitching doesn’t hold up, we could be in for a long summer.
SHAQ ATTAQ: In more strange sports news, Shaquille O’Neal was in a NY nightclub when he launched in to a freestyle rap about Kobe Bryant in which he says, among other things: “Tell me how my ass tastes.” (Video at right.) Um, kazaaaam! He goes on to mock Kobe for not winning a championship without him, and blame him for ruining his marriage and causing global warming. As entertaining as all of this is, it is disturbing on at least one level in that it causes you to consider, even if just for a split second, what Shaq’s ass actually tastes like. The only other fallout from this so far is that Shaq has been stripped of his special deputy badges in Maricopa County that he “earned” in 2006. The Maricopa County Police Department just got a little bit shorter, but will probably actually be taken a little more seriously now.
Tony Carpenter’s “The Sportin’ Life” now appears on Philebrity each Wednesday.
