WINNERS NEVER QUIT
After the jump, Tony Carpenter makes wild predictions, hopes/knows the future of Vai Sikahema and tries to solicit Kobe Bryant‘s fate from the heavens.
THE PHEVER, AND THAT WHICH IT BRINGS: Here is the exact size and shape of the kind of run the Phillies are on right now: Adam Fucking Eaton allows 3 hits in 6 innings and leaves to a standing ovation?!? It could be prediction time: If they continue to get quality starting pitching, which obviously is no guarantee, this team will win the NL East by 5 games. Let’s not all take time off in October just yet, but you get my point: This team is just flat out fun to watch and is 10 games above .500 on June 4th! And even though I realize as a Phillies fan that nothing but heartbreak and despair lie ahead — for this is all we know — I’m still jumping in with both feet. If they can manage to continue playing this way, and plough through Atlanta and then Florida, they may just walk away with the division by mid-June. More predictions, but first, a fact: The Mets, like all things New York this year, flat out suck. They will finish third this season even if Pedro Martinez can stay off of the DL. Despite winning a few games this past week, the monumental collapse of last year has morphed in to an all-out implosion for the Mets. It looks like it’s going to come down to the Phillies and the Cubs for the National League Pennant. That has to be a sign of the apocalypse, right?
‘ROID RAGE: In what is probably the most bizarre “celebrity” boxing event in recent memory, Vai Sikahema is taking on best-selling author, steroid connoisseur and world-class asshole Jose Canseco on July 12th in Atlantic City. I would like to believe that Vai could hand Jose a beat down, but somehow I just don’t see it. Vai may be in great shape — for a TV news personality — and he can kick the shit out of any goal post anywhere (see clip at right), but goal posts don’t hit back and he’s going up against a roided-out behemoth here. But hey, what do I know? I thought Horshack could take Screech. I will give it to Jose for his shriveled up balls of steel for coming out and admitting to his steroid use at the same time as MLB and Congress are going after steroids full-tilt. And I actually agree with a little of what Canseco says about steroids: If an athlete wants to use them despite all of the adverse effects, why stop him? In fact — bear with me here — professional sports may be wise to embrace steroids and all that they have done and could do for sports. Imagine how entertaining football would be with players that are 6’ 7”, can bench press 600 pounds and run a 4.2-40 yard dash or baseball players that could hit 100 500 foot home runs a season? Sure, some may have concern for the message that this would send to the youth (to say nothing of the cleanup that’s gonna come with all those popped necks), but on the other hand, have you seen some of these little league parents? They are obviously not overly concerned about sending the right message about sportsmanship. Plus, spare me the “purity” of sports: In 2008, the “purity” of sports is endless beer commercials and advertisements for boner pills. If you can’t beat them, and by “beat” I mean rip off their arms, shout black death down their throats, and then give God some kind of cosmic dap-out in the stadium… you might as well join them. Steroids for everyone!
ETERNAL PLAYOFF REPORT: In other sports news, the Stanley Cup Finals between the Pittsburgh Penguins and Detroit Red Wings is still going on! Pittsburg forced a Game 6 with a stunning 3OT win to bring the series to 3-2. The half-dozen or so people that watched the game said that it was electrifying. The NBA will finally begin the Finals this week in which the Lakers will take on the Celtics in a series that has any true Philadelphia sports fan unsure of who to root for(against). On one hand, the Lakers are the team that shattered the dreams of Sixer fans everywhere in the NBA finals of 2001, and they also have Kobe Bryant (pictured) which automatically makes them extremely irritating. On the other hand, the Sixers–Celtics rivalry is one of the oldest and most heated rivalries in all of sports. So, I am going to do the only thing I can do which is to hold my nose and root for the Lakers while holding out a slight hope that a meteor will strike the Staples Center, despite the fact that nothing would be more satisfying than seeing Kobe Bryant lose. Apparently though, losing this series isn’t the only thing that Kobe has to worry about these days. The gossip blog thedirty.com is reporting that Kobe had an affair with an 18-year old Laker girl and that the shit is about to hit the fan. Whoops, it just did. Of course, you have to consider the source on this one, but it could get very interesting for Kobe in the next few weeks. Hey, at least this time, it was consensual.
Tony Carpenter’s “The Sportin’ Life” now appears on Philebrity each Wednesday.
