After the jump, Loren Hunt consults your stars and comes back from the cosmos with a whole handful of “Meh” and a sprinkle of “Whoa!”

—————————–


ARIES: Oh, FYI, Mercury’s in retrograde again, and we’re all gonna die. Bet that gets stuck in your head like an annoying little chant all day.


—————————–



TAURUS: Summer squash casserole, dude. I know you want to make this and serve it with hamburgers and hot dogs instead of potato salad at your next cookout.



—————————–



GEMINI: So apparently, the cities that Geminis are associated with are Melbourne, San Francisco, and London. That seems pretty random to me and I have no idea what it means. Do you? 



—————————–



CANCER: Just because you look cute and cuddly doesn’t mean you’re not secretly evil. This week, someone catches on and you scramble furiously to cover your tracks. 



—————————–

LEO: You guys are supposed to be really into your hair. So I found you some hair trivia. Did you know that hair is the fastest growing tissue in the body, second only to bone marrow? Or that 
90% of scalp hairs are growing and 10% are resting at a given time? Not only are these things true, but also, it is normal to lose 100 hairs per day from the scalp. But don’t sweat it, because you must lose over 50% of your scalp hairs before it is apparent to anyone. Many drugs can cause hair loss. Over 50% of men by age 50 have male pattern hair loss. Forty percent of women by the time they reach menopause will have female pattern (hereditary) hair loss. I cut and pasted all of this from this website, in case you were curious. Have a nice week, assholes!


—————————–



VIRGO: I think that your best possible option this week is to wait it all out in the bathtub. Just keep draining and running the hot water; you can keep it up for hours, if not days, that way. You might want to stock up on some really overpriced bath stuff to keep yourself entertained, too — I think a Virgo would be into one of these from LUSH on Walnut Street. At first I was like, ew, I don’t do berry scents, but it’s actually more woody and incensey and grounding than anything else, and I think you should buy some of these and keep them around. If you get really ambitious and serious about bath time this week (which I think you should), you can even prop up your laptop on a chair in front of the bathtub and get into the unbelievably bizarre world of the LUSH Customer Forums while you soak.



—————————–


LIBRA: Last week, I dreamed that I was in Russia with a class of students and we were sitting on a hill, waiting our turns to ride in some kind of anachronistic, hot-air-balloon-like flying machine. Then my Libra ex-boyfriend came over and I wondered what he was doing there, in Russia and all, not to mention in my class, but as it turned out, he just wanted to see what I wanted to do for dinner. He gave me a hug and a kiss in front of my students, which was totally inappropriate but I liked it, and then he left to go wait for me. Meanwhile, the sun was setting, it was summer, and all was well in the world. I’m thinking that you’ll be a great comfort to someone just by being your sweet inappropriate self this week, Libra. The best part is that, like my ex, you might not even have to actually do anything to accomplish this.



—————————–


SCORPIO: According to this website, “Scorpio rules the colours red, black, violet and midnight blue. Scorpio people also respond well to the healing ray of emerald green. The birthstone for Scorpio is the topaz. Scorpio also responds to the energies of alexandrite, bloodstone, iron and plutonium. Remember only to wear these stones if you want to bring their influence into your life. Your flowers and herbs are: anemone, heather, geranium, rhododendron, honeysuckle and gardenia; wormwood, horehound, blackthorn.” Sounds pretty intense, buddy!


—————————–


SAGITTARIUS: My whole thing lately is following up nights of binge drinking with days of extremely punishing workouts at the gym. The liver hates me, but my thighs look good. Sometimes the “balance” we find isn’t actually a balance; it’s just yet another unsustainable phase of zealotry. Let’s all work on finding something a little closer to actual balance this summer, fellow Sags. It’s not even June yet, so it’s not like you actually need to do anything about it this week.



—————————–


CAPRICORN:  I just read on the internet that your sign is supposed to be “cold and dry,” Capricorn. Other people seem to think that your spirit animal, the sea goat, is really the devil. They say you often marry for social position instead of love, and that your single-mindedness in achieving material gain is so strong that you would trample the bodies of your own children to get there. Do you think these things are true? I kind of think they might be at least partially mostly sort of true. But I also think it’s unfair that no one ever discusses how funny you are. I’ve never met a Capricorn who didn’t make me laugh.



—————————–


AQUARIUS: In the immortal words of musician and fellow Aquarian Alice Cooper, “If you’re listening to a rock star in order to get your information on who to vote for, you’re a bigger moron than they are.” Stating the obvious and making it sound brilliant is a life skill of yours. Use it to get you out of trouble this week. Although, if you wanted to get into trouble, it’s a fairly flexible gift. 



—————————–


PISCES: Pssst. Hey. Look how uncomfortable the Williams College Men’s Octet is making the lone black kid by doing a version of “Ignition Remix.” He wants to crawl into a freaking hole and die. We’ve all been there at some point, haven’t we? 


—————————–

Loren Hunt is a writer living in Philadelphia who has channelled your spirit animal through a mixture of high-grade medical marijuana and khat, the drug that has brought Yemen to its knees. More of Ms. Hunt’s writing can be found here; please, she does not want to be disturbed. Direct your queries regarding your horoscope to tips[at]philebrity[dot]com and they will be duly forwarded. Ms. Hunt’s horoscopes shall appear each Monday on Philebrity.







This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 27th, 2008 at 11:56 am.