Choking For Dummies
After the jump, Tony Carpenter gives a little advice, and wipes your tears for the Flyers.
SO IT GOES: Like Hillz, the Flyers are all but done. Now, it’s all about saving face and avoiding the sweep. Real talk though: Are we really going to avoid the sweep? But hey, it’s been fun. They have given us far more than we expected. I don’t think anyone really thought that we’d be talking hockey in May. Perhaps the most important lesson that I have learned during this run is exactly what and where the Versus Channel is on my television. Finally, a channel that can fulfill all of my bull riding, cage fighting and hunting/fishing needs! Where have you been all of my life?
Strong men also cry: RIP 07-08 Flyers.
A BIT OF ADVICE FOR OUR PAL BRETT: Coming off of a come-from-behind win last night, the Phillies play their second game against Atlanta tonight, which will see Brett Myers take the mound against Tom Glavine. I would much prefer the Kid Cole in this game, but we’re going to have to settle for Myers. Something tells me this is not the first time he’s heard that. Myers has struggled this year, so I figured I’d help Brett out with a couple of things that may encourage him start pitching like he needs to be pitching as the, uh, “Ace” of the staff:
· First, the Phillies need borrow the blow-up-doll from the White Sox and use it as a stress reliever for Brett. No, not a stress reliever in that way, I mean that he could smack it around a little bit between innings. You know, get his frustrations out. This should help Brett with his pitching and possibly on the home front as well. We know, we know, but he’s so sweet when you’re alone.
· The second and probably most important thing that Brett needs to do is to just forget about being the closer. We all know he wanted to come in to this year as the closer and was disappointed that the role was filled with Brad Lidge. Brett, let it go. Have you seen Lidge pitch lately? That’s what a closer looks like.
· Finally, someone needs to hold Brett down, and shave that fucking growth off of his face. I don’t see how anyone could pitch or do anything else with that horrendous looking bush growing out of his face. Oh! And Brett? You might want to stop leaving your not-so-fast ball over the middle of the plate every time you throw it. Just trying to be helpful.
Your face would thank you and so would we.
IN OTHER SPORTIN’ NEWS: It’s a war of words between WIP’s big mouth Angelo Cataldi and big-waist Andy Reid after an interview in which Cataldi said that the Eagles have been in a decline since their 2004 Super Bowl appearance. In classic Eagles fashion, Reid insisted that there is no decline and that Cataldi was “just trying to be negative.” It’s a wonder why Andy even does interviews or holds press conferences on Earth. Clearly, he should be doing them in whatever alternate reality he lives in — the less said about which, by the way, the better. The rest of us on Earth can pretty much see the obvious: Philly.com crunches the numbers and it ain’t pretty. Andy may be dipping in to Britt’s stash a little too heavy again as evidenced by his detachment, his bloat and, erm, his sudden penchant for Hawaiian shirts. It may just be time for a regime change down at the Novacare complex before this non-decline gets any worse.
“The time is yours. Are you gonna finish eating that?”
Tony Carpenter’s “The Sportin’ Life” now appears on Philebrity each Wednesday.
