Dear Yesterday’s Hangover,
Thank you. You haven’t given us a lot lately, but you did give us some time to check up on MTV’s Real World XX, yesterday, most notably the foibles of Warminster’s own Brianna Taylor (pictured), one of the seven strangers picked this season to humiliate themselves constantly on an apartment/soundstage but be too stupid to know that this is what they’re actually doing. Brianna, an ex-stripper (she quit the day the show started airing) with a dream to become an American Idol (wrong show, babe, but while you’re here, have a seat on the couch) has been living up to the challenge indeed. We can’t expect you (or us) to really follow what’s been going on so far this season, so, after the jump, we peruse MTV’s episode summaries for the Best of Brianna. Strap yourself in and double bag it, dawg, it’s about to get naaaaasty.

Episode 3:

After downing a few more drinks, Joey gets flirty with Brianna and the two end up making out. But Brianna quickly goes from being hot and heavy with Joey to making out with a random girl. After the kiss, she freaks out when her mouth goes numb and realizes the girl must have been doing cocaine. When Brianna gets back to The Real World house, she tells Sarah that she once struggled with a meth addiction, which turned into a coke problem. Now that she’s had another taste of the drug, she’s afraid she’ll go on a downward spiral again.

But wait, let’s roll it back a little bit. From Episode 1:

Not wanting to waste any time with formalities, Brianna’s ready to get the party started, which means drinking up and stripping down. When Kim and Brianna take off their tops, Dave enters the room sans shorts. Looks like this is one wild bunch!

And when Will finds out that Brianna is a stripper, his attitude toward her immediately changes. Earlier, he saw her as the total package. Now he’s disgusted by her and can’t even look her in the face.

The next morning, Greg tries to redeem himself by making breakfast for everyone. Kimberly thinks maybe she and the other roomies got a bad first impression or just don’t know how to read him yet. This leads to Brianna and Will talking about their first impressions of each other. Will admits that while he was attracted to Brianna at first, he lost all respect for her when he learned she was a stripper. Brianna insists that she came to Hollywood to put stripping in the past. Will decides to give her another chance, ending the conversation by asking her for a lap dance. Boys will be boys.

Brianna’s fresh start has barely gotten off the ground when she gets a phone call informing her there’s a warrant out for her arrest. She reveals that before she came to Hollywood, she was arrested for “simple assault and harassment” after an argument with her ex-boyfriend, Bobby. Brianna learns she has 30 days to return to Philadelphia for her arraignment or she’ll end up in jail. Could her Hollywood dream come to an end before it even starts?

Kim and Sarah overhear Brianna arguing on the phone with her ex. Brianna becomes furious when Bobby grills her about whether she’s hooked up with anyone yet and she slams the phone down. The other girls are shocked and scared by Brianna’s quick temper. When they question Brianna, she explains how a previous fight between her and Bobby led to her punching him in the face.

I feel like a trashy bomb just exploded in my face. It’s like bukkake party of Other People’s Bullshit in here. Did anybody DVR Episode 2?

The group goes out again the next night, and everyone drinks hard and fast, which turns out to be a bad combination. Several people come home with various roommates for an after-party. Bri meets two guys, s singer and a producer, who want her to sing on a couple of tracks. But when Bri tries to bring them inside, she finds out that the house is at its ‘guest max’ and the guys can’t come in until some other guests leave. But the guests inside make it clear that the party has only just begun. Kim goes outside to calm Bri down, but instead starts a fight that comes dangerously close to getting violent when Kim calls Bri ‘ghetto’. Violence escalates when Joey, still drunk, starts arm wrestling matches that get a little too intense. Bri sees a different side to Joey when, eyes bugging and veins popping, he forcefully slaps her hand away when she tries to calm him down. Not surprisingly, the two sleep apart that night.

Oh, that’s right! That one was on The Soup! Anyway, here’s what happened last night:

After having a harsh conversation with Joey, Brianna decides to bring Will back to Philadelphia for her court hearing, instead of Joey. Bri’s friend, Joe, meets them in the airport, and they head out for a night at Bri’s old place of employment — a strip club that Will thinks is nothing more than a hole in the wall. After introducing Will to her co-workers, Bri surprises him with her own seductive little show on top of the bar.

[...] Back in Philadelphia, Bri is being judged by Will and Joe for her inappropriate court outfit. The guys tell her that booty shorts probably won’t make the best impression, and convince her to change into a professional pair of pants. But when Bri gets to the court house, before she even steps in the door, she’s told that she might be arrested that day.

Oh, Brianna Taylor, we’re so proud, girl. So, so proud.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 12th, 2008 at 10:45 am.