Technologicology: Clinton’s Technology Plan for Tommorrow, Tooday [Sic]
Barry Hussein may be straight pimpin’ on his technologicals, but guess what? The Hillz might have been sippin’ from the Gore-acle, too!
Technologicology: Clinton’s Technology Plan
for Tommorrow, Tooday
Last week, I took a look at Barack Obama’s technology plan. In order to do it, I had to overclock my processor and sign my phone up for Internet access just to follow along. Let me be forreal: Obama is straight up web nasty. Seriously, it leaves the rest of the candidates with a lot of ground to cover. Hot, circuity ground. But don’t worry kids, Hillary Clinton is ready for tommorrow:
The above shot, lovingly published by FOXNews in June of last year, shows Hillary detailing her technology plan to Silicon Valley execs. What kills me isn’t the spelling mistake; Rather that Hillary has been teleported to the future (where the word “tomorrow” might not even exist), placed in a virtual reality continuum, and forced to give a PowerPoint presentation that hasn’t been spell-checked, is my concern. Thank god that’s all out of my system. My promise: No. More. Jokes.
For starters, this isn’t only just Hillary’s technology plan. She lumped in a whole bunch of stuff, including health research and bettering the environment into one receptacle for everything post-Myspace. Just as this column tends to cause minor narcolepsy for usually active, intelligent people, the non-tech stuff in Hillary’s plan makes me want to pass out. But I’ll try to pose some wisdom, as I’ve realized that her broader approach to a tech plan is actually appealing, instead of sounding like the latest essay by Tim Berners-Lee like that Other Guy.
Clinton’s Summarized And Annotated Plan
“Establish a $50-billion Strategic Energy Fund”
“The Fund” (as Hillary’s people are calling it) is an attempt to make up for man’s, oh, entire existence mucking up Mom-Earth. That’s a lot of dills, which brings me to my first point: That thick-fibered cotton ‘n’ silk might make a cool-burning energy source. Technologicology Buzz-word Of The Second: Ethanol.
“Increase the basic research budgets 50% over 10 years at the National Science Foundation (NSF), the Department of Energy’s Office of Science, and the Defense Department”
God, this sounds cool. If you still haven’t hit up Star Wars at the Franklin Institute, don’t even waste your cash. Hillary wants you flying the Millennium Falcon by 2018. And the best news I’ve heard all week? DARPA, who came up with stuff like our beloved ‘net, stealth technology, and the GPS, will actually have some money to throw around now.
“Increase the NIH budget by 50% over 5 years and aim to double it over 10 years”
Oh Hillary, pull on our heart strings. Basically promise more breakthrough AIDS, cancer, and heart disease research and we’ll do anything for ‘ya. So will your lobbyist buddies. It’s like a win-win-win-live situation.
“Direct the federal agencies to award prizes in order to accomplish specific innovation goals”
What the shit. Yes, this point was bulleted. It’s ambiguous, yet brilliantly persuasive to our nostalgic child like minds. I hope I win a cordless drill set.
“Support initiatives to bring more women and minorities into the math, science, and engineering professions”
Oh you little women, always dreaming of accomplishment and profession. Someday, someday. The stats are staggering, though: 23% of women and only 7% of Blacks and Hispanics work in science and engineering. Let us know how this plan works out and hook us up in the Journalism industry, Hillary.
“Support initiatives to establish leadership in broadband”
Well, it took you long enough. This is about the only point on the list I actually care about. Hillary tells us we’re 25th in broadband deployment in the country and then says that we need municipal wifi plans that actually work. Yeah, no shit. Been there, done that. But seriously Hillary, together we can dream.
“Overhaul the R&D tax credit to make the U.S. a more attractive location for high-paying jobs” Hillary mentions this in an interview with CNet (one I haven’t brought up because frankly, its so much better than my technology forecast). You’ll find out that she also likes her Blackberry. I’m basically telling you to follow the link instead of reading this. Seriously.
“Restore integrity to science policy”
Damn. Good luck. It’s going to take a nationwide mandatory viewing of BBC’s Planet Earth.
What About Yessterday?
This ain’t about yesterday, people. It’s about the future. And Hillary’s scope is broader and more interpretive then Obama’s. While Barack has got the right voice going for the youth, Hillary is speaking to everyone. Let’s be serious, your parents have no idea how a wiki actually works. And registering to leave comments in a forum? C’mon. Hillary is talking about innovating from the ground up, pouring cash, love, and affection into education that will lead us into the 25th century. Yeah, she’s 300-years-ahead good.
This is the second part of a series about the 2008 presidential candidates’ technology plans. If McCain actually has one, stay tuned next week.
Brian James Kirk is a writer and adventurer living in Philadelphia. By adventuring, he means occasionally to friends’ homes for games of Balderdash. If you know a Philadelphia technology scoop that would fit this space, you are graciously encouraged to get in touch.
Previously: Technologicology: Obama Is Oh So Web 2.0
