Sorry Ma, Forgot To Take Out The Trash
After the jump, Tony Carpenter explains how the 2008 Phils are NOT like the Bush administration, and much, much more.
NO, SERIOUSLY, THIS IS HOW WE DO IT: It was an anti-climactic and downright miserable first effort from the ’08 Phils, but let’s put this whole thing is perspective, shall we? Despite what loud-mouth in the morning/world class buffoon Angelo Cataldi said on Monday, there is no need to panic at this point, folks. It ain’t all bad, at least not yet. This was just one out of 162 games. It also continues what has become somewhat of a tradition for the Phillies in the last couple of years. Opening Day 2007 saw the Phillies bullpen blow a lead late in the 8th inning to lose to the Atlanta Braves, despite the heroics of Jimmy Rollins. Sound familiar? Of course, there was also Opening Day ’06, in which the pitching struggled and they lost despite the hitting performance of… Jimmy Rollins!
“Are you there, God? It’s me, Jimmy. Question:
Am I The only one around here who friggin’ WORKS for a living?”
They managed a win in opening day 2005, but have lost 3 out of the 4 openers since the opening of Citizens Bank Park. What does that tell you? Well, it doesn’t really tell you anything, except that it’s not time to take a running jump off of the Ben Franklin just yet. It may be true that “Flash” Gordon can’t pitch anymore, and that his 11.00 ERA coming in to this year probably kept Charlie Manuel awake at night (well, at least it seems to be keeping him awake during games). But it just so happens that the Phillies did make the bold move of picking up some 38-year-old relief pitcher that was just discarded by the Dodgers to split blown saves with “Flash” until Brad Lidge is healthy. Feel pretty silly now, don’t you Cataldi? Don’t answer that, you still have crab fries in your mouth. At least there was some good to be taken from the ’08 opener: Jimmy Rollins is still MVP material (despite some like-duh fielding miscues), JC Romero looks like he’s a for real set-up man, and Chase Utley didn’t forget how to hit during the off season. It could be worse. Ahem.
AND BY “COULD BE WORSE,” WE MEAN SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
It couldn’t be worse for you, if you just so happen to be the most unpopular and reviled American President in modern history, and you just happened to be throwing out the first pitch on opening day in DC. Umm, try throwing out the first pitch at a Texas Rangers game next time instead or maybe waving the checkered flag at a Nascar race might be more your speed. Also, we had no idea you and Arlen Specter shared a publicist.
IN OTHER HOMETOWN LOSER NEWS: The Flyers are still playing, and they will most likely make the playoffs. It’s unsure just who they will lose to in the first round this year, but making the playoffs one year after finishing with the worst record in the NHL is somewhat of an accomplishment. No, really, it is. You are all like little special snowflakes.
“Mom always did like you best.”
The not-quite-as-red hot 76ers are gearing up for the post-season as well, and with the Eastern Conference as weak as it is this year, anything can happen: Vegas says they are an 80-1 shot to win the Eastern Conference, and that doesn’t seem like a bad bet from where I’m sitting. And Sadly, Villanova succumbed to the Kansas Jayhawks and were eliminated from the tournament as were their fellow Cinderella team, leaving the 4 Number #1 Seeds to see who among them is the real #1. With all these seeds, you gotta wonder: Who’s paying child support?
Tony Carpenter’s “The Sportin’ Life” now appears on Philebrity each Wednesday.
