Technologicology Goes To College: The Silicon Valley Gossip Dissertation
After the jump, Brian James Kirk offers a primer on Web 2.0′s greatest Winehouse/Lohan-styled fuck-ups.
Technologicology Goes To College: The Silicon Valley Gossip Dissertation
Like any decent person, I yearn for gossip. Even when said gossip involves co-workers, colleagues and friends, something evil in the pit of my stomach claws up my esophagus, through my vocal cords, and meekly shapes my words: “Gimme.”
But oddly enough, when the microscope is placed over the trivial lives of celebrities, I find myself appalled. Nah, not appalled. Bored. Who’s pregnant and who’s doing pilates doesn’t do it for me. I want a scene. Something that not only teases the boundaries of being offensive but stretches the lines new.
Because really, it’s never the action itself that’s fascinating. It’s the reactions to hearsay, rumors, and shit-talking that makes me wet.
That’s why I love a good fist-fight. In a half-second, that shit-talk turns into a physical manifestation. It’s frightening, like truly thinking about being caught in a suffocating avalanche, and at the same time, laughable. Laughable because at that moment, I’m probably a smiling bystander thinking “Shit, dude, I’m just glad to be someone not getting fucked-up right now.”
But that’s not all of it. It’s equally fun to be the one not getting embarrassed. It’s the same feeling as when a friend makes a damn fool of themselves. For the next half-hour, you’re Einstein.
It’s these ideas coupled with my love of all things Silicon Valley that fuels my compassion for ValleyWag. It’s a gossip site that covers news-worthy geeks and their adverse reaction to the public spotlight; the combination seriously tickles my naughty bits.
The funniest part is that these Silicon Valley wads think the gossip about them is completely unnecessary, that celebrities are obvious fodder for magazine covers, and their lives in comparison, tame. But this reaction is so ridiculously ironic, I can hardly contain the Dan Gross in me.
No one has ever really been true fodder for gossip; duh, that’s why we like it. Celebrities are an obvious choice because of their lavish lifestyle, and the artistic symbols they represent themselves as in film and gloss-cover alike. Easy targets. But that whole “we’re just normal people” thing they always claim? It’s easy to see them as blood-sucking, Katie-Holmes banging cyborgs, but I’ll give ‘em the credit of being real people. The non-scientologists, anyway.
It’s for this reason that these Valley nerds are so perfect for speculation. They’re embarrasingly normal, rich as shit, and socially inept. That was the exact formula US Weekly started putting pages together for, they just missed the perfect ingredient: the kind of guy who owns Wikipedia and is willing to break-up with his girlfriend with a public announcement on the site. No, kids, that’s not a hypothetical. It’s the social equivalent of Jude Law fucking the nanny and losing his hot girlfriend. What a dumbass.
Celeb mags are also missing out on another easy target: The whiney TechCrunch editor who doesn’t get invited to a buzz-worthy conference and bitches about it on Twitter. It’s like that time you couldn’t take it anymore, commented about your ex on your back-stabbing ex-best-friend’s LiveJournal, started an “El-Jay War,” and shot dirty looks at in study hall. Secretly, you missed all the “dance parties” you used to have.
Now, I know that ‘lil gossip columnist in you is already pondering these mouth-watering ideas, but you’re worried that these nerd celebs just might not make the hot cut. But trust me. Silicon Valley is sex. Paid-for, hot college-educated girls, can’t do this without GHB or a traveler’s cheque, sex. And for those cougars out there, all you ever needed was a little Microsoft exec Steve Balmer, and bonus, he won’t drool on you nearly as much as Tyra Banks. If Balmer doesn’t do it for you, keep an eye out for Digg‘s dreamy playa Kevin Rose, who is gettin some mighty fine action lately.
It’s simple, really. Silicon Valley gossip is everything you love about celebrity gossip: Break-ups, embarrassing moments, paparazzi pictures; With all the secret Yahoo/Microsoft merger memos you can handle. What more could you ask for?
Oh. An overdose? That’s fucked-up. Who do you think you are, Michael Arrington or something?
Brian James Kirk is a writer and adventurer living in Philadelphia. By adventuring, he means occasionally to friends’ homes for games of Balderdash. If you know a Philadelphia technology scoop that would fit this space, you are graciously encouraged to get in touch.
Previously: Technologicology: Haven’t Been Macromedia Flashed Like That Since Grade School
